Hiatus

I know its tough to handle, but this page will be going into temporary hiatus from this day. I'm going on a 3 month holiday around the place and unless something goes extremely wrong, or somebody really pisses me off, there will be nothing to winge about whatsoever. Hence nothing to write here. So i'll be back writing bullshit stories, anecdotes and rantings in about August.


Until then

Be strong

and

I bid you Adieu.

jesus saves

I read that Isaac Hayes, also know as chef has quit south park because they did an episode mocking scientology; for which he is a member. Now I’ve been watching South Park for many years now and to my knowledge they and he have mocked Christianity, Jews, Hindus, Arabs and his hand still came out at the end of each month for his pay cheque; a point that the creators were also quick to make. So what’s with this double standard shit? Now he’s been brainwashed by this fucked up cult as well? I have been thinking about it and I’m pretty sure that Tom Cruise couldn’t conceive when he was with Nicole Kidman, but now Katie Holmes is pregnant to him? No. I reckon it was Immaculate Conception and she is about to give birth to the Anti Christ, fathered by xenu the mysterious alien figure that’s responsible for the demise of the human race according to scientology. This little bastard could be the end of us all.

Not only this but Ever since the Danish newspaper printed out cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, Muslims have found it OK to burn down churches and embassies and what not all over the world like that’s in the spirit of their religion. The comics were actually quite funny God telling a bunch of suicide bombers at the doors of heaven that there were no more virgins left. Fucking people need to learn how to relax or this religion shit is going to be the end of us all, instead of our saviours. Tell a joke about a Jew and they wont stop whining for ages with the whole but look what’s happened to us in the past thing. The chucrh goes mental just because a book like da vinci code comes out, whens it going to stop? The eternal question of which religion is the right religion will go on forever because there is no right answer, it’s not which faith you have, and it’s just that you have faith. They are all a bunch of fanciful stories told by a few to hold the masses in check anyway. Why take it so serious. I’m sure the one God is up there rolling his eyes watching every side competing for his love like spoilt brats fighting for mums attention. I’m probably wrong but in a few thousands years time if you looked at a time line of humanity, religion will be a blot on the radar; a couple of thousand years where people just killed each other over a few stories.

Sure some people say if we didn’t have religion society would fall over and crumble in a mess of anarchy because people wouldn’t have anything to be scared of or any rules to live by. But fuck we aren’t that far short of that now and that’s just the people who DO believe in religion, extremists yes but there seems to be an awful lot of “ extremists”, just look at the rallies and shit going on about the place. I know the media drums it up but I’m sure it’s all there, buildings do fall down and cars do explode. Of course when the balance of extremists gets higher than the balance of non-extremists, extremism becomes the norm and then its ok the suicide bomb or kill in the name of god…….or burn a witch or whatever it may be. And that’s the shit we are seeing day in day out around the world.

All we need is for people to believe in what they want, keep it to themselves, and not try and push it on to others.

Oh and i'm roman catholic.

Doctor no

When I was a kid doctors were infallible, in fact anybody in authority was infallible. Police, dentists, pilots, teachers but especially doctors. When they spoke, I listened and I did what ever it was they told me, even if it meant dropping my strides. But as I’ve aged I have come to realise that all these people are humans just like me and probably don’t know any better than I could learn off the Internet or some book. The GP generally just shoves some anti-biotic at you and he’s on to the next. I’m sure I’ve lost the respect for these people because I’m around them all the time now, I live with physicians and see them fuck up all the time, I’ve been out drinking with police and seen them be as stupid or stupider than me, you know, they have blown the image that young me had in my head that they were special and different people. It’s like the first time you’re in the aeroplane and you go to take a wizz and see the pilot come out of the loo. Who’s flying the plane chief! I don’t want some guy who goes to the toilet like me flying my plane; I want a super human robot that can do anything.

Anyway what brings me to this is I have just started taking Chinese medicine. It’s the kid in me that wants to be fixed by a man of mystery who I don’t understand or wouldn’t see in day to day life, and this guy is the furtherest thing you’ll find from normal. I respect him for many reasons, for one he didn’t go the easy route and open a Chinese take-away nor does he seem like the type to knife a passer by down by Hungry Jacks on Russell street. He’s about 115, but Asians age well, I’m sure he’s closer to 200, he has a pencil thin moustache and goatee, a ratty old track suit, and an air of knowledge ala Mr Myagi. He has jar after jar of strange looking herbs and potions and as his translator relays my problems he muses over them for a few seconds tugging his beard and randomly grabs a few bits of this and a few bits of that. I have always been sceptical about this sort of thing. Magic herbs that fix you. Piffle! But I figured 5000 years of practice is better than greedy chemical companies making drugs and profits off the ill and weak. So anyway after a week my ailment has totally gone, and I feel like a new person, I’m so impressed it’s amazing. Lets just hope it’s not like the food and I’m fucked up again in 15 minutes.

Fuck work

We all hate work; it’s a fact of life. We do it because we have to. Those people who say they like work are pathetic souls who just delude themselves into thinking they are actually enjoying what they are doing when in reality the noose is around their necks as much as the rest of us. It’s these people that crave to be on a ladder so they can look on the people below them and feel large, but here’s a news flash, all ladders lead to the same place, and funnily enough its down in the ground. You can’t take your status with you there, you’ll be judged in more important ways. These folks are a pawns in this huge machine we call life as much as the rest of us.

Work isn’t supposed to be fun, that’s why it’s called work. If you’re doing something fun that you love everyday, it’s called a hobby. Something ceases to be fun anymore if your forced to do it everyday, fun things are fun because you can do them when and where you like. No deadlines, no rules. You can spend all your working life wondering and wishing for the perfect job but its never going to happen, even if you find something you enjoy, it’s fleeting, it will still become work in the end.

Humans aren’t meant to be huddled up in little buildings for 40 years-the best years-of their lives. We are only animals after all, we are meant to be free and roaming around at will. Where’s the carrot? You can work as hard as you like for the future, but the shmuck who did nothing all his days is still going to get paid out by the government till his dying day and end up in the same position as you, possibly better, if you earn’t to much super, you wont even get paid. Yet he got to spend the best years of his life enjoying it, travelling, being with the family, smiling, while you sat in a square cubicle preparing for a future which a; may not even come, and b: you’ll be too old to enjoy anyway.

Nothing motivates you at work, the harder you work, the more the company makes? The only real motivation is not getting fired, so just do enough not to get fired, aim low, accept mediocrity, then when you leave the shit hole each night feel comfortable in the fact that your living life for you and not for the ideals of a machine/mouse wheel that’s been created for you. Give your best to the people that love you, not the ones that are using you up.

Work people types

Ok, I’m sitting here bored, just looking around at all the plebs roaming around the office, and subconsciously analysing them, it has got me to thinking, in every place I’ve ever worked at there has been exactly the same dynamic of people but with different names/faces. I’m going to try and document the most common ones. I am sure you also have them in your office.

The one that talks a lot.
This is the guy that will talk underwater with a mouth full of marbles, you would actually chew your own arm off to get away from him, the anecdotes just don’t add up, and the jokes are rarely funny. Often this person will follow you as you try to make a get away continuing to speak. If you think putting your hand on the door knob will alert him that you need to go, it wont, I’ve once stood with my hand on the door knob, half way out the door for 5 minutes waiting for a story to finish. By the way he ALWAYS has a mate who has done just a little bit better than any story anybody else has to say.

The one that goes to the gym.
He’s always a tank, and wears a tight t-shirt, or cant do the top button of his shirt up, often speaks quite quickly and leans on quite funny angles against the wall when in the presence of women. You never see him at Friday night drinks, because that’s for poofs, like pushing around weights wearing Lycra in the presence of other men isn’t?

The one that works in i.t
Where do you start? He usually wears the same woollen jumper day in day out, carries an umbrella, has a ratty pony tail but is well bald on top, and a fairly un kept beard. Loves kebabs and other fatty foods, has the phrase “just turn it off and on a again, then juggle the cables” on his answering machine, has a poster of tron on the wall, carries a clipboard, whines about the state of the kitchen, talks to himself while fixing your computer, rolls his eyes when you tell him the problem you are having. Uses the keyboard shortcuts NEVER the mouse when showing your something (just to confuse you more and make him look smarter) He usually is a drama queen, stating that downloading a picture off the net can bring down the whole company because the Russian mafia run the web.

The one that can’t handle pressure
This is the one that you think is fairly normal, until a few orders come in, or a deadline is set and he turns into a freak, veins bulging out the side of the head, panicking, ordering people around even though he is under everybody, usually slows down the process of what your doing rather then helping with his extra flapping about.

The one that is fucking lazy
I wont lie, most people would imagine this one to be me, but I’m not, I am coming along later, this one is the lazy prick that’s so lazy he doesn’t even know how to hide it, and even the bosses are so used to him being lazy that they just let it happen. Usually he has been there for a long time, and has a knowledge in something nobody else does, so is kind of indispensable. He usually brags about once having slept at work.

The one that is lazy and sneaky.
Now this one is me, I have the knack of being able to be lazy, and everybody knows it, yet the bosses don’t, and they actually think I’m a hard worker. I think I’ve perfected the art of working in front of the right person at the right time, or making my desk messy enough to look busy, or looking angry and frustrated at the right times.

The stealer
This guy will take anything home that isn’t bolted down, unless he can find a spanner. Most common things are rubbish bags, cleaning products, pens, and computer gear. His desk draw is full of post its and stuff. He usually brags about it, and he ALWAYS brings a backpack to work, this is the guy to hide your food from because he raids the fridge about 3 every afternoon. Especially watch your margarine.

The know-all boss
This prick goes on and on, with little known facts and shit he doesn’t know the first thing about, he usually has an old story of glory, he may have been a sportsman, or a musician. Its east to get out of trouble with this guy, if you are in the shit, just ask him a question, by the time he has finished answering you, and returned 3 times with more he has found off the net, he has forgotten what he was mad at.

The slut
She’s usually not all that attractive, but not ugly at the same time, you can rarely bare to speak to her until at least Thursday, or Friday, never earlier in the week, And all guys know this so come Thursday or Friday she is hot property, everybody is asking if she’s going to the pub Friday night and idle chit chat about the weekend. It’s an untold rule of the boys that any pick up of her, is non-lasting and the next week she is again fair game.

There’s heaps more but, I finally got some work to do so………

Low brow

I know these pages have been used for purely high-brow rantings, but for today I am going to dip under the brow for a second and delve into a part of life that we would all love to ignore, but all have to deal with. Shitting at work.

So this is a Survival Guide for taking a POO at work. We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our seats and suddenly felt something brewing down below. The brown dog is barking at the back door ,as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING-When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY-The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK - When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER. - A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. They also talk about the size and girth of their poos. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS - A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom

TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.No one is more vulnerable than when sitting on the seat, and not being able to reach the unlocked door. It is known fact that a human beings quickest known reaction time is jumping up when that door swings open.

CAMO-COUGH - A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON - A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET - A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE VINCE - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Vince makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. The Uncle Vince is also known to converse through the cubicle wall or whilst urinating.So there you have it, I hope this helps.

Meddling Women

I know its been done to death and it’s an easy target to rant about women’s flaws and so on but there’s just a few things that are aggravating me at the moment. Thank god I’ve got one that isn’t too annoying but even she has her moments, the reprogramming hasn’t quite finished as yet. Anyhow I got to thinking is it a little joke on gods behalf that the thing that we want to have the most is also the thing that annoys us the most? Are you testing us oh great father? Dad always taught me not to trust anything that can bleed for a week and still live and now I’m starting to believe him.

One thing that really gets me is woman chase men that are different, exciting, extroverted and adventurous, and then as soon as they get with him they immediately begin to complain about those very traits and try to change him. Then for the final indignity they break up with him because he wasn’t the man they first fell in love with. How are we supposed to know what foot to jump to next? During the relationship all of her friends thought you and your man made a great couple and looked ace together, until you broke up with him, then they never liked that prick anyway.

Women are at their worst when they are in a group, if you can keep them isolated it’s generally fine, but in the presence of other estrogens, their powers grow and multiply, like a fucked up super villain, or like Voltron. The female toilet is their secret lair, plotting and scheming for world domination, or just plotting to get your arse dumped. You know its course for disaster when your girl says come out for a drink with my friends, they be analysing your every move all night, you can talk every now and then, but don’t say too much! Its like nibbling from the poison apple, take tiny bites around the sides, sooner or later you will say something that will alert their secret warning signal and from there its all over. One will go to the toilet, another will follow, you might as well walk there and then. You could have a wang as big as a tree stump, with three tongues hanging off it, and fireworks that shoot out the sides but it wont keep your girl around once the beast has awoken.

So all you jealous women out there, just remember, you don’t see what happens behind closed doors when couples are happy and unaffected by all your meddling. Be a real mate and support whatever your friend wants, don’t just try and break up their relationship because you’re lonely and bitter.

Class actions...

Ok this takes the cake, some prat named John Kiel Paterson is suing Apple because he owns an I-pod and it COULD cause hearing loss. What the fuck next? Man sues knife company because he could chop his finger off? Woman sues lottery company for false hopes? Man sues god for rainy wedding?
When are people going to start taking responsibility for their actions and maybe start working for a living like the rest of us rather than trying to scam their fortunes. This clown says he has purchased a product that is inherently defective in its design because it can produce sounds of more than 115 decibels, a volume that can damage the hearing of a person exposed to the sound for more than 28 seconds per day. His lawyer admitted that his client did not actually know if his hearing had yet been affected.

Here’s an idea mate, if you don’t buy an I-pod, problem solved. I don’t actually remember Apple tying peoples hands behind their backs, attaching electrodes to their goolies and forcing people into using their product, I’m pretty sure it was their choice to buy one. Furthermore, they do also come with a volume up and down function which actually changes the volume of the music, thus negating the ear deafening sounds to your ears to which you are so worried about. Turn it up at your own risk dickhead.

It’s because of wankers like this that we have infinite fucking signs and warnings all over and through our daily lives because companies are so paranoid that they are going to get screwed. I used to love jumping in the fountain as a kid, or sitting on the bench at the bank teller and shit like that but those days are over. Too risky..might sue! I’m usually against big companies and for the little man, but shit like this just aggravates me.

I hope the courts start taking personal stupidity into their findings for these cases.

Australia day

So its Australia day again, lets reflect on what we are all having a paid day off and celebrating here.

A couple of hundred years ago an English git landed on our shores and 'Discovered' our country, a country that was apparently already inhabited. Does that mean I can go into somebody house and discover their DVD player? Or is that called stealing.

Anyway here are a few reasons why the aborigine's didn't actually discover Australia and it was actually Cookey. The current theory is that aborigine's passed over from Asia on land bridges left over from the last ice age which would have been cheating, you can't discover land without a boat, plus that would have been well before the age of discovery. Also everyone knows black people can't discover land, they just live there and wait for it to be properly discovered. (other such examples were the Indians waiting for Columbus , the Chinese waiting for Marco Polo and the Aztecs/Mayans waiting for the Spanish).

Additionally you can't truly discover a land without guns, bibles, diseases, flags, title deeds, monarchs that's just preposterous!

Aborigine's were getting about playing footy, kicking freakish goals from the boundry, painting their faces and metaphorically riding the rainbow serpent quite happily when white man arrived brandishing diseases, weapons, and the original demise of the aboriginals..........alcohol.

Fast forward a couple of hundred years and the government is still trying to force feed them our way of life, building them homes to live in then wondering why they break all the windows out and make fires on the floors. Wondering why they sit around all day drinking piss when its obvious we have taken away their real culture (as well as a few generations of kids). What did they expect ?

Happy invasion day.

Bloody whales

Why is it there are millions of starving people in the world, poverty, issues in every corner of the globe but the only time anybody gets off their arse and does anything is when a whale beaches itself.

As soon as a whale hits sand people lose their fucking minds, within 5 minutes theres people huddling around it with ice cream containers putting water on it, wet towels, divers, men in life vests directing people around, helicopters, camera crews, a carnival pops up on the prominade above, t-shirts being sold saying i was there when flipper was saved, the government plots some wacky plan to transport it back to sea with a life raft, 3 cranes, 2 helicopeters some tin foil and the force of the moons gravitational pull Mc Gyver style.

Should we even be rewarding this kind of stupidity on the whales behalf? More often than not the big oaf beaches itself then after a 12 hour rescue operation it turns around and swims right back onto the sand bar anyway. Its probably suiciding and we are making the last hours of its life even worse. Its always been alleged that whales are amongst the most intelligent creatures around, wow wee a mammal that lives in the sea!....bah, useless creatures. They are the equivilent of the massavely obese person who is stuck in their room on their bed 24/7 and they have to cut them out of the room and winch them out just to get them on oprah. These poor people spend their whole lives living in isolation, ashamed of going in public and causing a scene, only to recieve the greatest indignity of all, get taken out of their window with a crane on live national TV.

At least the whales have a choice, they can just swim by Japan if they want to die and cop a harpoon in the side of the head. Without all the fan fare of a national rescue. Yesterday a whale was found half way up the Thames, apparently it was migrating north, but THROUGH England, not around...stupid. I'm sure if i try to go to the shops walking through my brick wall rather than around it people would laugh rather than help.

Womens AFL defensive tactics

Ok most women despise A.F.L football, but without knowing it on a daily basis they incorporate footballing tactics into their daily lives, there are many examples that I could mention but today I’ll focus on defensive tactics, particularly in a bar or nightclub setup.

Zone defence
One form of defence girl’s use is a zone defence; it can be particularly effective against an amateur or a lone player. This is the practice of encircling the friend, on all sides so as you can’t get to her, it is mostly used when the girl is keen on you, but the friends are either a: jealous or b: fucking bitches. This zone can be easily combated by manning up the zone, i.e. for every girl in their zone send in a friend of yours to man her up leaving the prey free for valuable seconds in which time you can swoop and leave.

One on One defence
The oldest form of defence is the one on one. This is where the fat friend wont leave the preys side all night. This is one of the hardest tactics to defeat, I have yet to master it but there is one long-winded way around it. You move in on the fatty first securing her trust until when she leaves for the toilet (or all you can eat buffet) you swiftly move in on the good one. It’s a lot of work and you have to make sure the good one is worth it in the first place. Another way around this tactic is where the phrase ‘take one for the team’ was first coined. Basically your friend fucks the fatty for your sake but this can be dangerous because like a get out of jail free card the favour will be retained and it needs to be reciprocated upon request.

Tagging
Tagging can be one of the most frustrating tactics in the game. Where a decoy is sent out to bug the shit out of you all night hence not allowing you the time to get to the good one. You will either leave early in a shit mood, or get turned off the good one by the fake insults spoken about the good one by her shifty friend. Tagging is easily negated, just kiss or come on to the tagger, she’s rarely fat, because you need confidence to tag so your still picking up and there’s a possibility of making the good one jealous enough to want you more.

Sheparding off the ball
This is mainly done at the bar, if you see your prize waiting in line for a drink, as you move in to stand next to her and make conversation the friend will step in between and Shepard you off.

The huddle system
Used in football to free up a man from a kick out, it’s used the same way in a club. If there is a group of girls dancing, and your target is in the centre move in with a group of mates forming a huddle, then at a pre determined time all mates must pair up and spread with a girl to the sidelines leaving you alone in the centre with the prize.

The professional free-kick
Last for today is the professional free kick, this is an illegal manoeuvre that gets a mediocre girl in, or close to an opening with a you. It is a dirty tactic and can vary depending on the circumstance. Most of them are fake accidents, Some frequently used ones are;

The spilt drink on you
The trip up
The tears for a sick friend/lost friend/break-up
The Bump into making your drink spill on her
The same colour shirt(i.e. we have the same colour on, it must be fate)

In a moment of weakness any of these dirty tricks can and do work.

I think I hate music television

Ok enoughs enough, what the hell has happened to music television.

I can sit there flicking from music channel to music channel for 2-3 hours or more without even seeing a music clip! All I see is a couple of clowns with fucked up facial hair and sideways pointing caps or girls with big hair and high boots telling me what's cool dude, and would it kill the camera man to hold the fucking camera still? Or does he have to wander round aimlessly losing focus and putting the camera on ridiculous angles and shoving it up the hosts noses for it to look 'edgy' and cool. Can the hosts speak English? Or do they have to speak jive, I once saw an interview with 50cent, I thought id accidently knocked the remote and changed it to planet of the apes, All I heard was a series of grunts, animal movements and mono-syllabic tones.

Shows like MTV and V used to be good, they played the new music i wanted to see, good guests i wanted to hear from, fun comedy shows like beavis and butt head, it was easy watching. Not any more..its fucked, its like a brainwashing lesson.

Basically these shows are now the epitome of Pop-Culture, they will make a rule and force everybody to live by it. They tell us whats in or cool and force feed it to us until it is. For example, if they said hey man wearing your undies on the outside is popular, the people will respond and before a week is up, everybody will be wearing their undies on the outside. So the man upstairs is again getting into the weak minded youth through another angle.

I can recall watchin mtv back in the day and seeing old clips, new clips, clips from every gerne! Now if they do manage to play a song, its rap, or rappy r&b. Obviousley record companys know being played on mtv means sales, vis a vi lets just put out crap music that mtv plays and fuck real music off. Who cares what it sounds like, if the singer is wearing his undies on the outside its cool.

meh

Tom fuckwitt Cruise

Ok so the christmas break is over and its time for a new year of being cynical, the first thing that began to shit me this year was again Tom Cruise.

What a little prat. First of all he breaks our Nicoles heart, then he gets brainwashed into joining some bizarre cult, then to make matters worse chastises all us normal people for not believing in the same things as he, and the final indiginity he takes poor rabbit in the headlights Katie under his wing.

I can forgive the Nicole thing, because you know, she is red headed, and the katie thing well i will forgive him ditching her when it happens because she does seem like a winge and a twit, but this Scientology thing has gone too far.

Does anybody else out there think Tom has become just a little un-hinged of late? I can understand the great attraction of this caper for a-listers like him. The holy scientology phamplet notes that celebrities are on a higher plain of existance than the rest of us and were put on this earth strictly to guide us lesser folk. If that helps these rich fucks to get through the day and give their lives meaning, good on them but heres the tip, you know how its kind of rare to see a car crash with your own eyes? If you keep watching Tom right now, it is a car crash happening in slow motion, so grab your pop corn, its gunna be sweet.

I know by now you all know the ins and outs of the cult, created by an ex science fiction author L ron Hubbard, who by the way once made this quote "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion".
Anyhow thats what he did. He speaks of an alien named Xenu who in a round about way is responsible for all our bad thoughts, faulty memories ect , and with the enlightenment of this cult you can live the good life. He recruited hollywood a-listers who inturn were to recruit us. Another of the beliefs is drugs are wrong and there is no such thing as a chemical imbalace in the brain and yadda yadda, i wont go too indepth im sure you can read up for yourself, im more here to talk about Tom!

Hes been chastising Brooke sheilds on live tv for using anti depressants, calling all of us weak for needing drugs, says only he knows the history of psycotherapy and nobody else in the world does etc. He even wont allow Katie to use drugs during birth AND she has to do it in complete silence.

Tom has paid this cult for the privalge to learn his 'science' so he can paraphrase to us, hes never actually had a science lesson in his life, yet he can tell us there is no such thing as a chemical imbalace and instead we have aliens in our heads? I think he needs a few classes on statistics, probabilities, evidence, double blind studies, some basic chemistry, basic genetics, and basic psychology and neurology. There really is no scientific evidence for people having "souls" much less invisible aliens;but there is a lot of evidence that the recipe for making a human is coded in genes,which make chemicals ...which clearly seem imbalanced at times,as any person who has seen teenagers, manic depressives, PMS, motherly love, testosterone rage can surley see.

And they deffinatley seem inbalanced when a man turns his age and starts to jump up and down on couches and run around acting like a dick head. Anyway ill stop now, the only saving grace in this whole thing is soon we will see Tom fall from grace, he might eventaully realise he was brainwashed and made a fool of himself infront of the world,

Its bordering on a Michael Jackson drama

I can't wait!!

Interview with 50 cent!

This is a special day, I’ve been granted and exclusive interview with Curtis Jackson the 3rd. Who is that I hear you ask, it’s the great 50 cent, who owns the highest selling hip hop record ever, and has also just released an ultra-violent video game named Bulletproof.


Who came up for the idea of a video game?
I did, I was playing grand theft auto and carmageddon and I thought hey, they have copied my life, I steal cars, I have been shot 9 times, and beat people up, why not turn it into a game.

How long did it take to do?
It was a long process, I covered my body in motion sensors and then over a year went out about my daily life, Every time I murdered somebody, stole a car, smoked crack, ran somebody over, beat somebody up with a pool cue, robbed a house, shot a white guy, kicked a cat or got shot one of my 9 times, that type of thing, it was documented with a series of computerised body movements that were logged on a computer file. Then they were analysed and animated for my game.

Sounds like fun.
It was fun, I had to tone it down a little though, I wasn’t allowed to molest any minors or eat pork, The ratings people said it was too far. Hey did I mention I’ve been shot 9 times? Make sure you add that bit, its good for my cred.

Were you surprised at the amount of criticisim leved at the game?
Sure Adam, I was, I mean I’ve been shot 9 times, I’ve been through adversity, one time I bought 3 kilos of crack cocaine and I couldn’t sell it, so I had to smoke it myself, I know about adversity. So after all I have been through I figured the critics may have given me a break but no, perhaps I may have to break their heads, or better still they can listen to my record a few times (deep slightly scary laugh)

But it is kind of violent
So is the world G! It’s more of a documentary than a game I believe. Would you rather your kid live in fairy land at home then come into the real world having not even been shot 9 times? Or would you rather him mow down a few people in a car, punch the crap out of somebody and shoot an old lady on a game first to get in some practice and be prepared for the real thing. I think of it as a life simulator, I may market them in such a way that they can be sold in schools.

Really?
It’s a tough time, childhood, worrying about joining your first gang, your first murder, we all go through it, if you grow up without street cred, your nobody, how do you think I have sold millions of records, do you think I can sing? I let you in on a little secret, its not actually me, its actually a chainsaw that does the vocals.

Have you really been shot 9 times?
I don’t like to talk about that Adam.

Have you or would you play this game with your son?
Well, I’ve been shot 9 times, and I’ve shot my son 4 times already, he knows what life is about and yes we play the game together, but if he beats me, I put his head in the jaws of my pit bull (that laugh again)

Finally on a lighter note, you also have a clothing label, how is that going and where did the idea come from?
Well, I found I couldn’t fit my enormous biceps in most items of clothing in the stores, and all my clothes had holes in them, from the 9 times I’ve been shot, I figured I could have my own range for all the people out there so they can look as fly as me. As for headgear, I’ve never found anything that was able to fit my enormous head, so now everybody else out there with a deformity can wear hats too.

Thanks for speaking to me
That’s cool, where’s my money? Can I ask that you give it too me in cash, my concern is it may take me into a higher tax bracket.

Waiting

I think I hate waiting


OK I don’t mind waiting for a decent cause, like my burger to be perfectly cooked or for the conditioner to work in the shower. It’s incompetence that I can’t bear holding up my time for. I’ve had near aneurysms in supermarket queues waiting for some useless twit to count the £10 bill out in copper coins on the counter, or the old coot that gently slides in front of me in the line and puts his weekly feed of canned dog food on the counter before you can bother to argue. I think instead of a 5 items or less aisle they should have a normal person aisle, and the rest of the aisles can be named after the 3 stooges for the rest of these idiots. By the way, here’s a tip, don’t go near a supermarket on pension day. You may also finally re-emerge in to the world of the living from those automatic doors pensioner.

The waiting that really makes me do my block is at the cash machine. OK surely it can’t take more than 45 seconds right? To type in 4 numbers, hit 2 more buttons and fuck off. No apparently not! Apparently it’s an arduous task that requires skill, cunning, thinking and at least 3 minutes, 5 if you’re a woman or old. What are these people doing? Its not an x-box. I don’t know about you, but when I step into that line, I already know what I am doing there, taking out cash, so I have my card in my hand and my Pin at the forefront of my mind. But these people, no, they stare into space thinking about a puffy dog or something, then seem genuinely shocked when its their turn in the line, so shocked that they haven’t even bothered to locate their card in the urban jungle that is the bottom of their bag. After the longest minute of my life, they put the card in and intently type in some numbers, one at a time, very carefully, it might blow up if you do it to fast you know.

Then they stand back and look up to contemplate the winds of economic change in the current world and the new world order and how the fluctuating Dow Jones index may well affect their shopping budget before finally hitting the 20£ button. They then stand back again for a minute before realising they had to type OK after that. Then they carefully tuck the money away in their purse, and put the card away, while still standing in front of the machine mind you, not moving over for the next poor sap. Then they finally fuck off, at which time you step forward and the idiot returns and goes in front of you again to get the all-important receipt! That they take out and scrunch into a ball without even reading.

GRRR I need not even start about people who get their balance, cancel the transaction, retrieve their card then put it back in again to take out cash.

I know I’ve said I love dealing with cash, but I’m still not too fond of dealing with idiots.

Egg Heads

I think I hate eccentric eggheads.


Especially universities who waste our precious government funding doing ultra vital, seriously important, life altering experiments such as the probability of your toast falling buttered side down when you drop it, does a cat think when its playing with a ball, how many breaths do you take in your life time or why are you more likely to sleep on your side if you have brown eyes and went to school in Timbuktu.

Aren’t there more important things to find out? Like a cure for Cancer or what Michael Jackson is made of?

Anyway the latest ground breaker from the boffins at the University of Amsterdam is right up there with the stellar work coming out of the Ponds institute. They believe they can now tell if the Mona Lisa was happy or not. Apparently her cryptic half smile has baffled art critics for nearly 5 centuries. Some claim she is not smiling at all, and in fact she is really hiding something more sinister. A vibrating toy up the skirt perhaps? Anyhow Da Vinci’s painting has been analysed by a new emotion recognising super Computer and the findings may shock and/or horrify you.

She was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2 % angry.

Sounds like me after sex.

So maybe we now have our answer, and we didn’t need a freakin super computer to figure this out, she obviously had just shagged Leo and was kicking back in the after glow, what you can’t actually see is the cigarette in her left hand but it is kind of Smokey in the back ground. She may even be still smirking at his small wang at the time of painting? To those who believe its actually a self portrait of Da Vinci himself, my theory still holds true……what its un heard of for a man to dress in women’s clothing and have a little downstairs play?……………Geniuses are a little left field.

Unbeknownst to you I have installed the same face recognition software on my blog interface and it has come up with the following findings.

After reading this piece you were

55% bemused, 13% flabbergasted, 9% awe, 7% nauseous, 5% gassy, 4% bi-sexual 1% other

Cashless Society

I think I hate the cashless society.



Not to sound ancient or anything but I remember when I had my first real job at age 17, as an apprentice chef. At the end of each week I’d get a yellow envelope, which I’d promptly rip open and it was full of crisp bank notes. It really felt like I had achieved something. I would go and pay all my bills and have fuck all left, but at least I actually saw what I had earnt and it meant something.

These days I’m getting so disenchanted with the whole thing. At the end of every month a few numbers go into my bank account, a few numbers get taken out to pay this, a few numbers get taken out to pay that, more numbers get moved over for the rent, I look at my account and there’s still fuck all in there just like before but I didn’t even get the joy of seeing it or touching it or even paying for what I had used. It makes me wonder why I even got up at 7 30 each morning….Where’s my carrot!

It’s just a bunch of meaningless numbers.

Why doesn’t my work just pay my rent for me and my bills, cut me out, I’m just the middleman. Infact, Why don’t we just wear drab green and hoist a red flag up the pole, Why did we even fight it in the first place, we are nearly being controlled in the same way by a sinister group of leaders.

So everything we pay for is now through a bank…fee to pay in..fee to pay out…fee for the end of the month..fee for maintenance..fee for overdue payment..fee for going into the actual bank..fee for using the cash mashine..fee for point of sale purchase..fee for scratching my arse..fee for breathing. This isn’t about bank bashing, anyone can do that, they are an easy target.

Its about the powers that be that think they are doing me a favour by making things easy and convenient, meanwhile they are taking away every little part of life that makes me not a machine, every part of life that makes life bearable and enjoyable.

I want to look around shops and markets, I want to pay in cash, I like paying in cash, so what happens when they remove cash and give us all a swipe card or iris scan?…What am I going to put in the g string of a stripper? What am I going to roll up to do a line? What change jar am I going too empty to use at a card night? What am I going to find on the ground that will make my day!

If they are trying to suck every piece of motivation and life out of me, they are doing well.

hollywood crap

I think I hate Hollywood.


What’s wrong with these people? Can’t they think of any thing new? Apparently the only movies that were released this year were remakes of something already done or sequels. Have all the creative juices been squeezed out of these people by the moneymaking needs of the film studios? What ever happened to making movies for the love of the art. What ever happened to top-notch method actors like De Nero or Pacino that sunk their teeth into roles so far that you actually believed they were whom they were playing. These days we get these robotic entertainment machines that star in movies…but can’t actually act, have an album out, but can’t really sing, they each have their own fragrance, clothing line, calendar and fitness video. If they gave 100% to either acting or singing it might be ok, but they are spreading themselves all over the place like a cheap whore meaning the quality suffers. They are their own franchise, they don’t own themselves, are just working for the headman upstairs. They are at the mercy of some guy in an office who has a sheet marked demographics and a list of stereotypes he needs to fill.

It’s most blatant in boy bands or girl bands, I can’t actually believe how transparent it is, why do people lap it up? Each ‘group’ has the black guy, the spiky haired guy, the guy with the piercing & tattoos and the boy next-door type. Each girl band has the blonde, the brunette, the redhead and the slut. To make matters even worse they don’t even try to hide the fact, their greed for money is so huge, they open up the whole procedure to television, with shows like pop stars and x factor , so they can recruit these machines, groom them and kill 2 birds with one stone; get a top selling band, and a top rating TV show at the same time. Meanwhile an industry that was already poor has lost even more cred.

Can anyone write their own songs? Are they allowed to? Are the actual people who write the songs for pop stars just too ugly to have made it for themselves? Somebody like Jack Black has a good singing voice and music skill, and can act, yet because he dosen’t fit the looks bill of the robotic entertainer he has been forced to do novelty music and crass comedic acting.
I wish I could listen to music or watch movies and believe they were made with love and care, but I know its just another angle or medium that the man is using to get into my head for some reason or another.

Fuck them, ill watch re-runs of mash instead.

Michael Moore

I think I hate Michael Moore.


The champion of the common people he paints himself as, more like the person who thinks for those who can’t for themselves. He pastes a bunch of non-sequential facts together, voices over the point he wants to get across, and bingo, the common people of the world are crying foul and cheering and hollering for him. He’s not lying par say……..but he is bending the truth to its absolute limits. He has mastered the art of presenting only one side of the story like no other. It's really sad. He TRIES to champion many noble causes, but he so blatantly misrepresents the facts, or just ignores them all together, that intelligent people are driven away. The only people that buy all of his crap are too stupid to see his obviously one-sided slant.


He obviously wishes he had dreadlocks and could hug trees like the other lefties, but seeing as he’s a balding cap wearing middle aged man, he will have to settle for a festy unkept beard.

It just infuriates me! After one of his movies comes out, all these people come out of the woodwork who’s conversations normally extend to what they eat for dinner or the latest sports results. They start talking about the big issues. Like gun crime, or war or oil and Its not that they are talking about it that upsets me, I’m glad that they are enlightened and are getting involved in real issues, its just that they have been duped by this man, and are just regurgitating what he feeds them almost to the word, without even thinking. Surely any reasonable person can realise that K-Mart or some bomb making company didn’t cause Columbine.

People can say don’t take him so seriously, just take him with a grain of salt…and I would, but the fact is he leaves himself wide open to attacks by those with even a little knowledge on the subjects he “covers”. If he wasn’t trying to trick simple people, I wouldn’t care, id take it as an entertaining semi-fictitious documentary, but seeing as his style is such that he tugs at the heart strings of the very people he is trying to dupe I must take offence.

It’s Propaganda at its worst.

Taking a quadriplegic to k-mart? Talking to parents of dead black soldiers? Harassing a semi senile NRA leader? All stunts, along with making a controversial remarks at the Oscars, what are you trying to prove mate? Any cred you may have had has now disappeared; even if you do champion an issue with the greatest of intentions now, any intelligent person in their right mind wont believe you any more.




And I didn’t even mention he was obese.

The bus

I think I hate people on the bus.


Especially when I get the bus at 7:50 a.m, I get all the school aged shits being mildly annoying. There is always quite a fruity mix of people on the bus, you know gangs, rapists, illegal immigrants, giggling school kids, homeless drunks, and about 5 normal people going to work…..We always make eye contact us 5, and we have a verbal understanding that we ARE the normal ones. Us against them. Why can’t all these undesirables just catch the train, at least that way they can look into their own backyards as they go along. Anyway as I’m standing in the aisle, my teeth grinding with rage at having been pushed past at the door by 3 school fucks trying to get the only free seats I ponder, why do I hate these freaking people.

Because they push the button to stop the bus EVEN when it’s approaching its last
stop?

Because they insist on wearing their backpack on the crowded bus and try to turn around?

Because they play with they’re mobile phones testing out naff ring tones at ear bursting levels?

Because they eat stinking Middle Eastern food that singes my nose hairs with its rank aroma?

Because they run top speed to catch the bus as its leaving, then when the driver opens the door they stop running, to walk for 15 meters and hold the rest of us up?

Because they stand UNDER the bus stop still holding their umbrella up whilst the umbrella-less me stands in the rain?

Because they get on the bus without even having their money or purse ready, fishing through their bag for 3 minutes finding money holding me up again?

What, did they think it was going to be free this time…..I wont get my money or ticket ready, ill just stand and stare into space for a while- bah!

Maybe is just because I know the bus is taking me to work, so anything I see will upset me but fuck this is just the tip of the iceberg, I could go on and on…I know I sound petty, but if people actually thought of others just once in their life, id be surprised.

Ben Affleck

I think I hate Ben Affleck

The big arrogant oaf. Ok maybe I used to laugh at his puerile antics when I was 15, but the beginning of the end for me came when he beat up Broadie in the corridor of the shops in mallrats. The shining star that was Afflecks career was on the rise, his chin was growing at a rate correlative to his ego, especially after managing to scribble his name in crayon at the bottom of the Good Will Hunting script after Matt had written it. Things looked good until we realised that the term ‘actor’ Means to act, but Ben can only play himself, thus negating the key part of the word acting. So as flop after flop passed by Ben drank more and more booze, and his chin became a hollow vessel of its former self, more of a liability now, it only became useful in daredevil for its super-hero qualities.

So enter phase 2 of the career kick-start, the Lopez era, no it’s not a Hispanic regime, it was the ill-fated relationship with J-lo. Ben turns from knockabout trackie pants Bob to slick twat In a suit Joe, hanging off Jenny’s perfectly produced and calculated life, Jenny wore brown, Ben wore brown, Jenny wore blue, Ben wore blue, Jenny’s spin doctors said jump, Ben said how high. Needless to say the shit hit the fan just before marriage time and Jen went and found image perfect husband number 5 elsewhere and Ben was left to wallow.

And wallow he did, in alcohol, gambling, porn; all of life’s finer things but I don’t mind that, at least he was being more himself again, except the arrogance was still there. Take what you can get mate…even if you have 5 day growth and a beer in hand, a pic in a mag is still fame. Don’t go lashing out at the picture takers who made you famous in the first place.

So to cut a boring story short, he hasn’t made shit that meant anything for years and now he gets snapped every day drinking Starbucks with the missus, there isn’t a time when there is no coffee cup in hand, sceptics think they have a sly advertising deal with the coffee company where by they have to have a Starbucks cup in their hands all the time to promote the brand, I hope it is a good money deal for Bens sake, or else it wont be the last cup he has in his hand.

Get Lost

(note: lost has just started here)

I think I hate popular prime time TV series

I hate when a new TV series comes onto TV, ones such as Lost, 24, X files, you know the type; and me, having some semblance of a life doesn’t bother to watch the first or second episode thinking its only a TV show, until low and behold in one foul swoop I’ve been cast aside from every conversation in every room of every building anywhere I go. I’ve been thinking of building a water cooler that’s attached to my leg just so as people can talk to me again on Monday, or I can at least feel involved.

Of course the big catch is, once you’ve missed the first few episodes, there’s no coming back, even if you do suddenly think you may want to start watching its no use, you can’t get into it and deep down you want to hate it, and your too stubborn to watch it now, you actually want to say to people in a few years time when it’s a long distant memory, ‘nah I didn’t watch that shit’.

Do you hear anybody admitting to watching twin peaks these days? Noo but if you didn’t know who killed Laura Palmer back then, you would be in the position that I am in now. Fucked if I know who was in that fucking plane when it fell out of the sky, I don’t know who the fat guy is, I don’t know why they don’t have hairy faces yet they are in the jungle with no shavers, I don’t know if there is a beast or alien hunting them, I don’t know why the fat guy is still fat after being on a desert island all this time, I don’t know how Charlie from party of five got to go to Australia without the others from the family winging at him to have a family meeting and most of all, I don’t fucking care that they are lost.

Please bring on the next fad, sporting triumph or natural disaster so something else can get talked about.

kate moss

I think I hate Kate Moss.



She’s another pain in the arse on many levels. For starters, she isn’t even attractive I think, but you know these things are subjective. I can’t really hold that against her, I’m no oil painting. But c’mon, is there anybody out there who didn’t believe she was a coke snorting drug whore? Just have a look at her; Rich, young, bored, gaunt, pale. She’s snorted so much powder her eyes have permanently ended up 5 inches apart.

Anyhow, so then she gets mixed up with Pete Doherty, the junkie with a heart of gold, and her life seems to spiral further into the gutter, which by the way all the company’s with whom she has modelling contracts with secretly love because she appeals even more to the ‘in’ ghetto filth drug whore culture they think is so hot right now.

Anyway I digress- finally as their flying fruit circus of a relationship reaches breaking point, she gets seen racking up lines on a CD case in west London and all hell breaks loose in the media. Kate thinks oh fuck…or maybe her minder/dealer thinks oh fuck and she comes out all teary with a ‘my drugs hell’ story, knowing full well she can feign a stint in rehab, come out the other side with a story that all the girls of the world will be admiring. Oh my god she’s so strong, such a trooper, after all she’s been through.

Fuck off!

What’s she actually been through?…she got caught? I wouldn’t mind the torment of having a gazillion dollars and have people feel sorry for me about it. She’s playing the Drew Barrymore card to perfection. But maybe drew actually went through something…but don’t get me started on her either.

So anyway all the contracts she lost, she regained again anyway…..hmmmmm

Must have been that do something big so we get publicity, then we will re-sign you again anyway clause.
Kate, you’re my hero! keep on truckin for us all, it helps us get through too.

Madonna

I think i hate madonna..


Madonna is a pain in the arse, put simply.
Where do you start? She is annoying and offensive on every level possible.
If any other artist in the world changes their styles and habits to fit the latest trends they are called sell outs, but she is fucking hailed for it!

Every one rates her new album, fuck me..she goes into a studio and adds 5 minutes of vocals over somebody else’s work and its hers???????

Her management simply says she has a new found spirituality and is happy within herself and it gives her serenity in life. Bull fuck! Mabey she fucked everyone and everything there was to fuck, so that’s why she stopped. So the kabbalah gives you serenity does it Madge?, you sure you arn’t feeling a little guilty about past happenings? I don’t think the Jews believe in the Madonna Madge, or Lourdes for that matter.

If you had a new found serenity in life you wouldn’t have to feel the need to change your image every 5 minutes to appease the public so they don’t think your old. The Deli Lama, now there’s somebody who has serenity, and he’s worn the same get up for years, hasn’t even changed his square glasses once.

Compare a human legend like him to that piece of filth, who once took woman kind back 3 generations with her antics of fucking Pepsi bottles and making black and white porn books dressed up as class.

No comparison.

Your old Madge, you have bingo wings hanging from your under arms, your nearly 50, and you look like it, so act like it, and dress like it. Age gracefully. We don’t want cowboy Madonna, slut Madonna, ballet Madonna, hooker Madonna, kindergarden teacher Madonna, ye olde English Madonna, disco queen Madonna. Kissing a young girl and fucking her life up wont make you younger either.

Oh and by the way, your not English and never will be, go back to that crass hole you call home and stop bringing down another race. Oh and your hubby?, do you think he can get away with making the same movie 15 times under a different title? He could just direct all your clips in the same style too

Please slip into obscurity gracefully

Expensive stuff

You may by now have noticed, that I learn most of the raft of facts that my brain is blessed with, from the internet and the paper, and in keeping with that tradition here is another pearl;

Here is a list of the 32 most expensive liquids in the world. Some of them are some unknown American brands to us, but you’ll get the picture. But first before you read ahead, try and think of what the top 5 may be in your head , see if you get even close.

32- Kikkoman soy sauce price per gallon $15 33 us
31- Latex house paint price per gallon $16 50 us
30- Jamba jucie price per gallon $21 82 us
29- Liquid nails price per gallon $24 02 us
29- Soup peddler delivered soup price per gallon $28 00 us
27- Red bull price per gallon $30 69 us
26- Armour all price per gallon $31 92 us
25- Head and shoulders shampoo price per gallon $37 74 us
24- Rain x price per gallon $39 92 us
23- Absolut vodka price per gallon $58 26 us
22- Round-up price per gallon $63 20 us
21- Grapeseed oil price per gallon $69 47 us
20- Renu contact lens solution price per gallon $82 03 us
19- Tobasco sauce price per gallon $94 46 us
18- Robitusson price per gallon $109 76 us
17- Fresh squeezed wheat grass price per gallon $124 80 us
16- Vanilla exract price per gallon $127 84 us
15- Liquid paper price per gallon $198 04 us
14- Scinillation cocktail price per gallon $209 45 us
13- Penicillin price per gallon $301 49 us
12- Punky hair dye price per gallon $327 31 us
11- Patchouli oil price per gallon $806 40 us
10- Cover girl nail polish price per gallon $892 80 us
9- Human blood price per gallon $1514 79 us
8- GHB price per gallon $2560 00 us
7- Printer ink from ink cartridge price per gallon $2701 52 us
6- Mercury price per gallon $3433 33 us
5- Insulin price per gallon $9411 76 us
4- Chanel 5 price per gallon $25 600 us
3- LSD price per gallon $122 880 us
2- Cobra venom price per gallon $152 835 us
1- Scorpion venom price per gallon $38 858 507 us.

So there you go.

No cynical comments or humour, I just thought it was interesting.

Spray on condom

Today’s paper has a ripper in it. This could be the biggest advancement in female contraception since the fat chick or the red headed child.

It’s the condom-in-a-can, It’s the size of breath freshener and sprays antiseptic foam which is said to form a barrier inside the vag which prevents pregnancy. The ‘invisible condom’ as its known also protects women from infection and acts as a lubricant. By the sounds of it the only thing it can’t do is get you a fuck in the first place but I’m sure that’s out of the realm of a meagre contraceptive device. Each 8 cm can, can be used at least 25 times and it apparently gets its anti-biotic properties from nano-sized particles of silver. It has been flying of the shelf in pharmacies after going on sale in China.

In other news a Colombian man has choked to death in a Bogotá airport last Friday as he tried to swallow a condom-in-a-can full of cocaine to smuggle it out of the country, but on a brighter note his autopsy revealed his throat was free of STD’s and he has perfect dental fillings.

Meanwhile in Sydney last week a virgin male and his girlfriend have tragically perished as they accidnetly pierced their condom in a can whilst trying to rip it open it with their figner nails.

sell sell sell

I hate marketing people, I hate advertising guru’s in general, I hate the term demographic, I hate how these svengalis are at us 24 hours a day eating away at us trying to make us buy this and buy that, even when you think you are safe, they’ll be at you some how, on the radio, on the TV, on a bill board, on your phone, in your magazine, before a presentation at a sporting event, on a football, on a boxers back, on a t-shirt, on a shopping bag, in a shopping bag, on the internet, don’t have a moment of weakness whatever you do!, Or else before you know it you’ll be up to your eyeballs in debt on the credit card…that you didn’t even want, but the bank wouldn’t shut up about for a year pounding you with letters and comments and phone calls. I hate buy 3 for 2, I hate 50% off your second item, I hate buy 1 get one free from selected items, I hate 10£ cash back on this item, I hate closing down sale, I hate fire sale, I hate stock liquidation sale.

These wankers don’t use the normal Gregorian calendar like we do, they use the how-much-can-we-leech-out-of-these-idiots-sale calendar, here are their months of the year;

Janurary- Post xmas sale
Feburary- Valentines sale
March- Easter sale
April- Post summer sale
May- Mothers day sale
June- Winter sale
July- Mid year sale
August- Post winter sale
September- Fathers day sale
October- Pre summer sale
November- Pre Christmas sale
December- Christmas sale

Marketing now is less about economics and more about psychiatry, finding ways of breaking down our brains bit by bit until we are consuming zombies. Big deal if consumerism makes the world go round, I’m sure the world didn’t fall over on its axis when we bought things just because we needed them, and not because these turds want us to have it. Have a heart you pricks, and stop preying on us like vultures.

Rocky 6

The news all sane minded people have been waiting to hear has finally come to fruition. Yes there is to be a new, and 6th Rocky movie. You fucking beauty!, where can I line up for tickets.

According to the paper, Stallone has been pushing for this movie to be made for a few years now yet the film studio, in their wisdom kept knocking him back. But Stallone showed the true rocky spirit, grit and determination; trained, argued with Adrian, then did another training montage, then had a close friend die, then trained even harder and decided to produce and fund the movie himself. What a battler.

The plot sees Balboa sliding further into obscurity, living in the old hood around Philly where he started his journey. Still struggling for money after Paulie signed their lives away Adrian continues to work in the pet store, while Rocky decides to fight a few fundraising bouts to raise money for his beloved church. The evil promoter of the world champion Mason ‘the line’ Dixon tricks sly into an exhibition bout and before you know it, it is again a media circus.

I’ve been thinking about it and I reckon I’ve got a better plot.

I reckon Rocky and Adrian should go for a holiday to the woods, and whilst there Adrian gets killed by a grizzly bear. Rocky is crestfallen, he goes home and contemplates what to do, over a bottle of bourbon before swiftly challenging the bear to a re-match. On Christmas day. At Yosemite National Park. Rocky enlists the help of Chuck Norris to train him, putting him through rigorous new training techniques including experimentation with DNA splicing, time travel and skipping. While the bear goes about his daily training schedule of catching upstream swimming salmon, climbing trees, and stealing picnic baskets. You can see from the start the bear is going to be horribly under prepared, cause rocky is cut! He’s as big as he has ever been, thanks to DNA splice with the blue whale.

So the big day arrives and Rocky heads back to the woods, all the time reliving the torment in his mind of Adrian getting mauled by the bear, thinking he should have done more, it should have been him. So he and Chuck arrive, but to their horror, Paulie had been secretly training the bear with advanced tactics of hitting it with empty scotch bottles and shooting it with tranquiliser darts. The bear has a look of Satan in its eyes, it wants to kill, whomever is in its path, and the little Italian, with the big heart, Balboa is that man.

The fight starts brutally; rocky is way outmatched, how is he taking this much punishment? He already has 2 broken arms, a broken blowhole and blubber is profusely coming out of a cut over his left eye. But he stays in it, he has a plan! with a mixture of blood and blubber covering rocky the bear is coming in for the final kill, teeth snarling. Chuck is shaking his head, wondering what he is doing but then Rocky’s plan kicks in. Rocky remembers that the best way to beat a bear is to play dead, which was a great coincidence, because he just died. As the bear wondered what to do the ghost of Rocky, Apollo, Adrian, Mickey, and Norris who had just moved to the other side briefly, all jumped on the bear and the fight was won to the rapturous beat of the rocky soundtrack.

What a movie! Ill be waiting for the knock on the door hollywood….

Mobile phone dudes

The used car salesman has a pretty poor reputation in the world, is it the checkered jacket? The chest hair and gold chains? Or just the sleazy nature? Whatever it is, I think he has just been superseeded.

The used car salesman of the new millennium is somebody just as sleazy. It’s the mobile phone salesman. You know, the 18-year-old Asian/Middle eastern guy with the pin striped suit, pointy shirt collar, fucked up cool facial hair and bling jewllery. Complete with the Lanyard hanging from his neck and the I-know-more-about-this-than-you-so-come-over-crawling-to-me look on his face….just waiting for the next sucker to come on in.

I reckon they love it when anybody over 35 walks in, they rub the kebab juice of their hands and prepare to screw that pooch. It’s hard enough for us technological savvy generation X’ers to keep up with the latest phone gizmos, let alone the million and one plan options that you are being roped into. For someone who’s old and still terrified by the programming function of a VCR it must be mind boggling. You can tell when an old person has finally taken the plunge and bought the mobile phone, cause its right there like a badge of honour for the whole world to see, clipped onto their belt. You can just tell they are waiting for it to ring so they and everybody else can hear the Waltzing Matilda ring tone their son has downloaded for them.

I love how these naff bastards sit you down at the little table and face you like its an interview, like we have to impress them enough for them to approve us to get a phone. Tapping away at the computer like a wannabe bank teller, handing us the contract like it actually means something. Is there a person alive today who hasn’t left a phone contract mid way when a better phone came along? Just give me my fucking phone and ill be out, I don’t care how many minutes I didn’t use last month or how much I could be saving on the next plan up.

On the street or in the BMW you get the ultra cool pounce, with the ultra slim phone, the ultra cool clothing, sleek sunnies, you know true latte set type, every thing perfect and unobtrusive…. Then a huge fucking plastic monstrosity of a thing hanging out of their ear and protruding down to the side of their face so they can walk down the street talking to thin air and look even stupider. They are looking worse than a Don Johnson styled 80’s dude carrying a brick.

I’m not even going to go into the crazy frog or downloaded ringtone’s or people who listen to music at ear drum perforating loudness on the bus through 5 cent phone speakers or who hang their phone round their neck or anyone else, lets just say these people are all off the hook.

fear of flying

People who say they don’t fear flying are liars. I’m not talking about running up and down the cabin, sweating profusely, fingers dug deep into your partners arms fear, those fears happen, but they are more like a phobia. I’m talking more about “What was that noise?” type of fear, I call it a rational fear. It’s a fact, people can’t fly, we don’t have wings, it is not a natural thing for us to do therefore I think its natural for us to have a fear of doing something we can’t naturally do. A fear isn’t a bad thing, a fear is just our minds way of telling us to be careful, something is happening that we must be aware of.

But you get these people who try to act tough and say, I don’t fear flying, I don’t care, stop being a wimp etc and fold their arms…but I watch, during a flight, when there is a touch of turbulence or a clunk, their eyes dart left and right like the rest of us.

I’m not saying I have a rabid fear of flying; I just don’t totally relax in an aeroplane. No matter how many times I hear somebody tell me how a plane works, the statistics of fatal deaths against flights taken, the safety procedures at airlines and all that, I understand and believe all that, and I know the chances are minimal. Its just in that moment, when I’m 30000 feet above the ground and the plane drops and my stomach hits the roof, or I hear a loud noise during take-off, my heart skips a few beats, I’m sure that’s pretty normal. Machines break down, because they are only machines, how many cars do you see broken down on the side of the road? It’s normally not until the diversion of food arrives that my mind gets onto more important things, like the holiday ahead and then I relax and go through the process that is eating airline meals.
Which I love, eating airline meals is like getting the perfect bite every time, everything is portioned out perfectly, its king.

There is an exception to my un relaxed flying. On long haul flights, I strangely feel more relaxed, even though the plane is double the size, when I’m in there I feel as if I’m in my lounge room and I usually spend the 20 odd hours sleeping or eating or watching the TV, maybe I like it because its close to my ideal life!

I think even if there wasn’t one airplane crash disaster movie on TV, or any horrific plane crashes on the news and we were totally kept away from the thought of crashing there would still be some sense of fear because you are up 30000 feet above the ground, and if the engine stops, you can’t flap your wings to safety. You would fear standing on the edge of a 30000 foot building, even though a building won’t fall down! The hostess’s stupid little production at the start doesn’t help either, like any of that shit matters, they should say, in the event of a plane crash please bend over and kiss your sweet arse goodbye, and all those who don’t fear flying, you will all die first because you obviously don’t care.