Sin-A-kill

Hiatus

2006-03-22T08:53:00.000-08:00

I know its tough to handle, but this page will be going into temporary hiatus from this day. I'm going on a 3 month holiday around the place and unless something goes extremely wrong, or somebody really pisses me off, there will be nothing to winge about whatsoever. Hence nothing to write here. So i'll be back writing bullshit stories, anecdotes and rantings in about August.

Until then

Be strong

and

I bid you Adieu.

jesus saves

2006-03-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

I read that Isaac Hayes, also know as chef has quit south park because they did an episode mocking scientology; for which he is a member. Now I’ve been watching South Park for many years now and to my knowledge they and he have mocked Christianity, Jews, Hindus, Arabs and his hand still came out at the end of each month for his pay cheque; a point that the creators were also quick to make. So what’s with this double standard shit? Now he’s been brainwashed by this fucked up cult as well? I have been thinking about it and I’m pretty sure that Tom Cruise couldn’t conceive when he was with Nicole Kidman, but now Katie Holmes is pregnant to him? No. I reckon it was Immaculate Conception and she is about to give birth to the Anti Christ, fathered by xenu the mysterious alien figure that’s responsible for the demise of the human race according to scientology. This little bastard could be the end of us all.

Not only this but Ever since the Danish newspaper printed out cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, Muslims have found it OK to burn down churches and embassies and what not all over the world like that’s in the spirit of their religion. The comics were actually quite funny God telling a bunch of suicide bombers at the doors of heaven that there were no more virgins left. Fucking people need to learn how to relax or this religion shit is going to be the end of us all, instead of our saviours. Tell a joke about a Jew and they wont stop whining for ages with the whole but look what’s happened to us in the past thing. The chucrh goes mental just because a book like da vinci code comes out, whens it going to stop? The eternal question of which religion is the right religion will go on forever because there is no right answer, it’s not which faith you have, and it’s just that you have faith. They are all a bunch of fanciful stories told by a few to hold the masses in check anyway. Why take it so serious. I’m sure the one God is up there rolling his eyes watching every side competing for his love like spoilt brats fighting for mums attention. I’m probably wrong but in a few thousands years time if you looked at a time line of humanity, religion will be a blot on the radar; a couple of thousand years where people just killed each other over a few stories.

Sure some people say if we didn’t have religion society would fall over and crumble in a mess of anarchy because people wouldn’t have anything to be scared of or any rules to live by. But fuck we aren’t that far short of that now and that’s just the people who DO believe in religion, extremists yes but there seems to be an awful lot of “ extremists”, just look at the rallies and shit going on about the place. I know the media drums it up but I’m sure it’s all there, buildings do fall down and cars do explode. Of course when the balance of extremists gets higher than the balance of non-extremists, extremism becomes the norm and then its ok the suicide bomb or kill in the name of god…….or burn a witch or whatever it may be. And that’s the shit we are seeing day in day out around the world.

All we need is for people to believe in what they want, keep it to themselves, and not try and push it on to others.

Oh and i'm roman catholic.

Doctor no

2006-03-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid doctors were infallible, in fact anybody in authority was infallible. Police, dentists, pilots, teachers but especially doctors. When they spoke, I listened and I did what ever it was they told me, even if it meant dropping my strides. But as I’ve aged I have come to realise that all these people are humans just like me and probably don’t know any better than I could learn off the Internet or some book. The GP generally just shoves some anti-biotic at you and he’s on to the next. I’m sure I’ve lost the respect for these people because I’m around them all the time now, I live with physicians and see them fuck up all the time, I’ve been out drinking with police and seen them be as stupid or stupider than me, you know, they have blown the image that young me had in my head that they were special and different people. It’s like the first time you’re in the aeroplane and you go to take a wizz and see the pilot come out of the loo. Who’s flying the plane chief! I don’t want some guy who goes to the toilet like me flying my plane; I want a super human robot that can do anything.

Anyway what brings me to this is I have just started taking Chinese medicine. It’s the kid in me that wants to be fixed by a man of mystery who I don’t understand or wouldn’t see in day to day life, and this guy is the furtherest thing you’ll find from normal. I respect him for many reasons, for one he didn’t go the easy route and open a Chinese take-away nor does he seem like the type to knife a passer by down by Hungry Jacks on Russell street. He’s about 115, but Asians age well, I’m sure he’s closer to 200, he has a pencil thin moustache and goatee, a ratty old track suit, and an air of knowledge ala Mr Myagi. He has jar after jar of strange looking herbs and potions and as his translator relays my problems he muses over them for a few seconds tugging his beard and randomly grabs a few bits of this and a few bits of that. I have always been sceptical about this sort of thing. Magic herbs that fix you. Piffle! But I figured 5000 years of practice is better than greedy chemical companies making drugs and profits off the ill and weak. So anyway after a week my ailment has totally gone, and I feel like a new person, I’m so impressed it’s amazing. Lets just hope it’s not like the food and I’m fucked up again in 15 minutes.

Fuck work

2006-03-04T02:13:00.000-08:00

We all hate work; it’s a fact of life. We do it because we have to. Those people who say they like work are pathetic souls who just delude themselves into thinking they are actually enjoying what they are doing when in reality the noose is around their necks as much as the rest of us. It’s these people that crave to be on a ladder so they can look on the people below them and feel large, but here’s a news flash, all ladders lead to the same place, and funnily enough its down in the ground. You can’t take your status with you there, you’ll be judged in more important ways. These folks are a pawns in this huge machine we call life as much as the rest of us.

Work isn’t supposed to be fun, that’s why it’s called work. If you’re doing something fun that you love everyday, it’s called a hobby. Something ceases to be fun anymore if your forced to do it everyday, fun things are fun because you can do them when and where you like. No deadlines, no rules. You can spend all your working life wondering and wishing for the perfect job but its never going to happen, even if you find something you enjoy, it’s fleeting, it will still become work in the end.

Humans aren’t meant to be huddled up in little buildings for 40 years-the best years-of their lives. We are only animals after all, we are meant to be free and roaming around at will. Where’s the carrot? You can work as hard as you like for the future, but the shmuck who did nothing all his days is still going to get paid out by the government till his dying day and end up in the same position as you, possibly better, if you earn’t to much super, you wont even get paid. Yet he got to spend the best years of his life enjoying it, travelling, being with the family, smiling, while you sat in a square cubicle preparing for a future which a; may not even come, and b: you’ll be too old to enjoy anyway.

Nothing motivates you at work, the harder you work, the more the company makes? The only real motivation is not getting fired, so just do enough not to get fired, aim low, accept mediocrity, then when you leave the shit hole each night feel comfortable in the fact that your living life for you and not for the ideals of a machine/mouse wheel that’s been created for you. Give your best to the people that love you, not the ones that are using you up.

Work people types

2006-02-17T03:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, I’m sitting here bored, just looking around at all the plebs roaming around the office, and subconsciously analysing them, it has got me to thinking, in every place I’ve ever worked at there has been exactly the same dynamic of people but with different names/faces. I’m going to try and document the most common ones. I am sure you also have them in your office.

The one that talks a lot.
This is the guy that will talk underwater with a mouth full of marbles, you would actually chew your own arm off to get away from him, the anecdotes just don’t add up, and the jokes are rarely funny. Often this person will follow you as you try to make a get away continuing to speak. If you think putting your hand on the door knob will alert him that you need to go, it wont, I’ve once stood with my hand on the door knob, half way out the door for 5 minutes waiting for a story to finish. By the way he ALWAYS has a mate who has done just a little bit better than any story anybody else has to say.

The one that goes to the gym.
He’s always a tank, and wears a tight t-shirt, or cant do the top button of his shirt up, often speaks quite quickly and leans on quite funny angles against the wall when in the presence of women. You never see him at Friday night drinks, because that’s for poofs, like pushing around weights wearing Lycra in the presence of other men isn’t?

The one that works in i.t
Where do you start? He usually wears the same woollen jumper day in day out, carries an umbrella, has a ratty pony tail but is well bald on top, and a fairly un kept beard. Loves kebabs and other fatty foods, has the phrase “just turn it off and on a again, then juggle the cables” on his answering machine, has a poster of tron on the wall, carries a clipboard, whines about the state of the kitchen, talks to himself while fixing your computer, rolls his eyes when you tell him the problem you are having. Uses the keyboard shortcuts NEVER the mouse when showing your something (just to confuse you more and make him look smarter) He usually is a drama queen, stating that downloading a picture off the net can bring down the whole company because the Russian mafia run the web.

The one that can’t handle pressure
This is the one that you think is fairly normal, until a few orders come in, or a deadline is set and he turns into a freak, veins bulging out the side of the head, panicking, ordering people around even though he is under everybody, usually slows down the process of what your doing rather then helping with his extra flapping about.

The one that is fucking lazy
I wont lie, most people would imagine this one to be me, but I’m not, I am coming along later, this one is the lazy prick that’s so lazy he doesn’t even know how to hide it, and even the bosses are so used to him being lazy that they just let it happen. Usually he has been there for a long time, and has a knowledge in something nobody else does, so is kind of indispensable. He usually brags about once having slept at work.

The one that is lazy and sneaky.
Now this one is me, I have the knack of being able to be lazy, and everybody knows it, yet the bosses don’t, and they actually think I’m a hard worker. I think I’ve perfected the art of working in front of the right person at the right time, or making my desk messy enough to look busy, or looking angry and frustrated at the right times.

The stealer
This guy will take anything home that isn’t bolted down, unless he can find a spanner. Most common things are rubbish bags, cleaning products, pens, and computer gear. His desk draw is full of post its and stuff. He usually brags about it, and he ALWAYS brings a backpack to work, this is the guy to hide your food from because he raids the fridge about 3 every afternoon. Especially watch your margarine.

The know-all boss
This prick goes on and on, with little known facts and shit he doesn’t know the first thing about, he usually has an old story of glory, he may have been a sportsman, or a musician. Its east to get out of trouble with this guy, if you are in the shit, just ask him a question, by the time he has finished answering you, and returned 3 times with more he has found off the net, he has forgotten what he was mad at.

The slut
She’s usually not all that attractive, but not ugly at the same time, you can rarely bare to speak to her until at least Thursday, or Friday, never earlier in the week, And all guys know this so come Thursday or Friday she is hot property, everybody is asking if she’s going to the pub Friday night and idle chit chat about the weekend. It’s an untold rule of the boys that any pick up of her, is non-lasting and the next week she is again fair game.

There’s heaps more but, I finally got some work to do so………

Low brow

2006-02-13T00:33:00.000-08:00

I know these pages have been used for purely high-brow rantings, but for today I am going to dip under the brow for a second and delve into a part of life that we would all love to ignore, but all have to deal with. Shitting at work.

So this is a Survival Guide for taking a POO at work. We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our seats and suddenly felt something brewing down below. The brown dog is barking at the back door ,as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING-When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY-The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK - When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER. - A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. They also talk about the size and girth of their poos. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS - A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom

TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.No one is more vulnerable than when sitting on the seat, and not being able to reach the unlocked door. It is known fact that a human beings quickest known reaction time is jumping up when that door swings open.

CAMO-COUGH - A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON - A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET - A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE VINCE - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Vince makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. The Uncle Vince is also known to converse through the cubicle wall or whilst urinating.So there you have it, I hope this helps.

Meddling Women

2006-02-11T05:47:00.000-08:00

I know its been done to death and it’s an easy target to rant about women’s flaws and so on but there’s just a few things that are aggravating me at the moment. Thank god I’ve got one that isn’t too annoying but even she has her moments, the reprogramming hasn’t quite finished as yet. Anyhow I got to thinking is it a little joke on gods behalf that the thing that we want to have the most is also the thing that annoys us the most? Are you testing us oh great father? Dad always taught me not to trust anything that can bleed for a week and still live and now I’m starting to believe him.

One thing that really gets me is woman chase men that are different, exciting, extroverted and adventurous, and then as soon as they get with him they immediately begin to complain about those very traits and try to change him. Then for the final indignity they break up with him because he wasn’t the man they first fell in love with. How are we supposed to know what foot to jump to next? During the relationship all of her friends thought you and your man made a great couple and looked ace together, until you broke up with him, then they never liked that prick anyway.

Women are at their worst when they are in a group, if you can keep them isolated it’s generally fine, but in the presence of other estrogens, their powers grow and multiply, like a fucked up super villain, or like Voltron. The female toilet is their secret lair, plotting and scheming for world domination, or just plotting to get your arse dumped. You know its course for disaster when your girl says come out for a drink with my friends, they be analysing your every move all night, you can talk every now and then, but don’t say too much! Its like nibbling from the poison apple, take tiny bites around the sides, sooner or later you will say something that will alert their secret warning signal and from there its all over. One will go to the toilet, another will follow, you might as well walk there and then. You could have a wang as big as a tree stump, with three tongues hanging off it, and fireworks that shoot out the sides but it wont keep your girl around once the beast has awoken.

So all you jealous women out there, just remember, you don’t see what happens behind closed doors when couples are happy and unaffected by all your meddling. Be a real mate and support whatever your friend wants, don’t just try and break up their relationship because you’re lonely and bitter.

Class actions...

2006-02-03T05:30:00.000-08:00

Ok this takes the cake, some prat named John Kiel Paterson is suing Apple because he owns an I-pod and it COULD cause hearing loss. What the fuck next? Man sues knife company because he could chop his finger off? Woman sues lottery company for false hopes? Man sues god for rainy wedding?
When are people going to start taking responsibility for their actions and maybe start working for a living like the rest of us rather than trying to scam their fortunes. This clown says he has purchased a product that is inherently defective in its design because it can produce sounds of more than 115 decibels, a volume that can damage the hearing of a person exposed to the sound for more than 28 seconds per day. His lawyer admitted that his client did not actually know if his hearing had yet been affected.

Here’s an idea mate, if you don’t buy an I-pod, problem solved. I don’t actually remember Apple tying peoples hands behind their backs, attaching electrodes to their goolies and forcing people into using their product, I’m pretty sure it was their choice to buy one. Furthermore, they do also come with a volume up and down function which actually changes the volume of the music, thus negating the ear deafening sounds to your ears to which you are so worried about. Turn it up at your own risk dickhead.

It’s because of wankers like this that we have infinite fucking signs and warnings all over and through our daily lives because companies are so paranoid that they are going to get screwed. I used to love jumping in the fountain as a kid, or sitting on the bench at the bank teller and shit like that but those days are over. Too risky..might sue! I’m usually against big companies and for the little man, but shit like this just aggravates me.

I hope the courts start taking personal stupidity into their findings for these cases.

Australia day

2006-01-26T01:14:00.000-08:00

So its Australia day again, lets reflect on what we are all having a paid day off and celebrating here.

A couple of hundred years ago an English git landed on our shores and 'Discovered' our country, a country that was apparently already inhabited. Does that mean I can go into somebody house and discover their DVD player? Or is that called stealing.

Anyway here are a few reasons why the aborigine's didn't actually discover Australia and it was actually Cookey. The current theory is that aborigine's passed over from Asia on land bridges left over from the last ice age which would have been cheating, you can't discover land without a boat, plus that would have been well before the age of discovery. Also everyone knows black people can't discover land, they just live there and wait for it to be properly discovered. (other such examples were the Indians waiting for Columbus , the Chinese waiting for Marco Polo and the Aztecs/Mayans waiting for the Spanish).

Additionally you can't truly discover a land without guns, bibles, diseases, flags, title deeds, monarchs that's just preposterous!

Aborigine's were getting about playing footy, kicking freakish goals from the boundry, painting their faces and metaphorically riding the rainbow serpent quite happily when white man arrived brandishing diseases, weapons, and the original demise of the aboriginals..........alcohol.

Fast forward a couple of hundred years and the government is still trying to force feed them our way of life, building them homes to live in then wondering why they break all the windows out and make fires on the floors. Wondering why they sit around all day drinking piss when its obvious we have taken away their real culture (as well as a few generations of kids). What did they expect ?

Happy invasion day.

Bloody whales

2006-01-22T03:57:00.000-08:00

Why is it there are millions of starving people in the world, poverty, issues in every corner of the globe but the only time anybody gets off their arse and does anything is when a whale beaches itself.

As soon as a whale hits sand people lose their fucking minds, within 5 minutes theres people huddling around it with ice cream containers putting water on it, wet towels, divers, men in life vests directing people around, helicopters, camera crews, a carnival pops up on the prominade above, t-shirts being sold saying i was there when flipper was saved, the government plots some wacky plan to transport it back to sea with a life raft, 3 cranes, 2 helicopeters some tin foil and the force of the moons gravitational pull Mc Gyver style.

Should we even be rewarding this kind of stupidity on the whales behalf? More often than not the big oaf beaches itself then after a 12 hour rescue operation it turns around and swims right back onto the sand bar anyway. Its probably suiciding and we are making the last hours of its life even worse. Its always been alleged that whales are amongst the most intelligent creatures around, wow wee a mammal that lives in the sea!....bah, useless creatures. They are the equivilent of the massavely obese person who is stuck in their room on their bed 24/7 and they have to cut them out of the room and winch them out just to get them on oprah. These poor people spend their whole lives living in isolation, ashamed of going in public and causing a scene, only to recieve the greatest indignity of all, get taken out of their window with a crane on live national TV.

At least the whales have a choice, they can just swim by Japan if they want to die and cop a harpoon in the side of the head. Without all the fan fare of a national rescue. Yesterday a whale was found half way up the Thames, apparently it was migrating north, but THROUGH England, not around...stupid. I'm sure if i try to go to the shops walking through my brick wall rather than around it people would laugh rather than help.

Womens AFL defensive tactics

2006-01-19T06:04:00.000-08:00

Ok most women despise A.F.L football, but without knowing it on a daily basis they incorporate footballing tactics into their daily lives, there are many examples that I could mention but today I’ll focus on defensive tactics, particularly in a bar or nightclub setup.

Zone defence
One form of defence girl’s use is a zone defence; it can be particularly effective against an amateur or a lone player. This is the practice of encircling the friend, on all sides so as you can’t get to her, it is mostly used when the girl is keen on you, but the friends are either a: jealous or b: fucking bitches. This zone can be easily combated by manning up the zone, i.e. for every girl in their zone send in a friend of yours to man her up leaving the prey free for valuable seconds in which time you can swoop and leave.

One on One defence
The oldest form of defence is the one on one. This is where the fat friend wont leave the preys side all night. This is one of the hardest tactics to defeat, I have yet to master it but there is one long-winded way around it. You move in on the fatty first securing her trust until when she leaves for the toilet (or all you can eat buffet) you swiftly move in on the good one. It’s a lot of work and you have to make sure the good one is worth it in the first place. Another way around this tactic is where the phrase ‘take one for the team’ was first coined. Basically your friend fucks the fatty for your sake but this can be dangerous because like a get out of jail free card the favour will be retained and it needs to be reciprocated upon request.

Tagging
Tagging can be one of the most frustrating tactics in the game. Where a decoy is sent out to bug the shit out of you all night hence not allowing you the time to get to the good one. You will either leave early in a shit mood, or get turned off the good one by the fake insults spoken about the good one by her shifty friend. Tagging is easily negated, just kiss or come on to the tagger, she’s rarely fat, because you need confidence to tag so your still picking up and there’s a possibility of making the good one jealous enough to want you more.

Sheparding off the ball
This is mainly done at the bar, if you see your prize waiting in line for a drink, as you move in to stand next to her and make conversation the friend will step in between and Shepard you off.

The huddle system
Used in football to free up a man from a kick out, it’s used the same way in a club. If there is a group of girls dancing, and your target is in the centre move in with a group of mates forming a huddle, then at a pre determined time all mates must pair up and spread with a girl to the sidelines leaving you alone in the centre with the prize.

The professional free-kick
Last for today is the professional free kick, this is an illegal manoeuvre that gets a mediocre girl in, or close to an opening with a you. It is a dirty tactic and can vary depending on the circumstance. Most of them are fake accidents, Some frequently used ones are;

The spilt drink on you
The trip up
The tears for a sick friend/lost friend/break-up
The Bump into making your drink spill on her
The same colour shirt(i.e. we have the same colour on, it must be fate)

In a moment of weakness any of these dirty tricks can and do work.

I think I hate music television

2006-01-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

Ok enoughs enough, what the hell has happened to music television.

I can sit there flicking from music channel to music channel for 2-3 hours or more without even seeing a music clip! All I see is a couple of clowns with fucked up facial hair and sideways pointing caps or girls with big hair and high boots telling me what's cool dude, and would it kill the camera man to hold the fucking camera still? Or does he have to wander round aimlessly losing focus and putting the camera on ridiculous angles and shoving it up the hosts noses for it to look 'edgy' and cool. Can the hosts speak English? Or do they have to speak jive, I once saw an interview with 50cent, I thought id accidently knocked the remote and changed it to planet of the apes, All I heard was a series of grunts, animal movements and mono-syllabic tones.

Shows like MTV and V used to be good, they played the new music i wanted to see, good guests i wanted to hear from, fun comedy shows like beavis and butt head, it was easy watching. Not any more..its fucked, its like a brainwashing lesson.

Basically these shows are now the epitome of Pop-Culture, they will make a rule and force everybody to live by it. They tell us whats in or cool and force feed it to us until it is. For example, if they said hey man wearing your undies on the outside is popular, the people will respond and before a week is up, everybody will be wearing their undies on the outside. So the man upstairs is again getting into the weak minded youth through another angle.

I can recall watchin mtv back in the day and seeing old clips, new clips, clips from every gerne! Now if they do manage to play a song, its rap, or rappy r&b. Obviousley record companys know being played on mtv means sales, vis a vi lets just put out crap music that mtv plays and fuck real music off. Who cares what it sounds like, if the singer is wearing his undies on the outside its cool.

meh

Tom fuckwitt Cruise

2006-01-05T05:58:00.000-08:00

Ok so the christmas break is over and its time for a new year of being cynical, the first thing that began to shit me this year was again Tom Cruise.

What a little prat. First of all he breaks our Nicoles heart, then he gets brainwashed into joining some bizarre cult, then to make matters worse chastises all us normal people for not believing in the same things as he, and the final indiginity he takes poor rabbit in the headlights Katie under his wing.

I can forgive the Nicole thing, because you know, she is red headed, and the katie thing well i will forgive him ditching her when it happens because she does seem like a winge and a twit, but this Scientology thing has gone too far.

Does anybody else out there think Tom has become just a little un-hinged of late? I can understand the great attraction of this caper for a-listers like him. The holy scientology phamplet notes that celebrities are on a higher plain of existance than the rest of us and were put on this earth strictly to guide us lesser folk. If that helps these rich fucks to get through the day and give their lives meaning, good on them but heres the tip, you know how its kind of rare to see a car crash with your own eyes? If you keep watching Tom right now, it is a car crash happening in slow motion, so grab your pop corn, its gunna be sweet.

I know by now you all know the ins and outs of the cult, created by an ex science fiction author L ron Hubbard, who by the way once made this quote "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion".
Anyhow thats what he did. He speaks of an alien named Xenu who in a round about way is responsible for all our bad thoughts, faulty memories ect , and with the enlightenment of this cult you can live the good life. He recruited hollywood a-listers who inturn were to recruit us. Another of the beliefs is drugs are wrong and there is no such thing as a chemical imbalace in the brain and yadda yadda, i wont go too indepth im sure you can read up for yourself, im more here to talk about Tom!

Hes been chastising Brooke sheilds on live tv for using anti depressants, calling all of us weak for needing drugs, says only he knows the history of psycotherapy and nobody else in the world does etc. He even wont allow Katie to use drugs during birth AND she has to do it in complete silence.

Tom has paid this cult for the privalge to learn his 'science' so he can paraphrase to us, hes never actually had a science lesson in his life, yet he can tell us there is no such thing as a chemical imbalace and instead we have aliens in our heads? I think he needs a few classes on statistics, probabilities, evidence, double blind studies, some basic chemistry, basic genetics, and basic psychology and neurology. There really is no scientific evidence for people having "souls" much less invisible aliens;but there is a lot of evidence that the recipe for making a human is coded in genes,which make chemicals ...which clearly seem imbalanced at times,as any person who has seen teenagers, manic depressives, PMS, motherly love, testosterone rage can surley see.

And they deffinatley seem inbalanced when a man turns his age and starts to jump up and down on couches and run around acting like a dick head. Anyway ill stop now, the only saving grace in this whole thing is soon we will see Tom fall from grace, he might eventaully realise he was brainwashed and made a fool of himself infront of the world,

Its bordering on a Michael Jackson drama

I can't wait!!

Interview with 50 cent!

2005-12-20T01:34:00.000-08:00

This is a special day, I’ve been granted and exclusive interview with Curtis Jackson the 3rd. Who is that I hear you ask, it’s the great 50 cent, who owns the highest selling hip hop record ever, and has also just released an ultra-violent video game named Bulletproof.

Who came up for the idea of a video game?
I did, I was playing grand theft auto and carmageddon and I thought hey, they have copied my life, I steal cars, I have been shot 9 times, and beat people up, why not turn it into a game.

How long did it take to do?
It was a long process, I covered my body in motion sensors and then over a year went out about my daily life, Every time I murdered somebody, stole a car, smoked crack, ran somebody over, beat somebody up with a pool cue, robbed a house, shot a white guy, kicked a cat or got shot one of my 9 times, that type of thing, it was documented with a series of computerised body movements that were logged on a computer file. Then they were analysed and animated for my game.

Sounds like fun.
It was fun, I had to tone it down a little though, I wasn’t allowed to molest any minors or eat pork, The ratings people said it was too far. Hey did I mention I’ve been shot 9 times? Make sure you add that bit, its good for my cred.

Were you surprised at the amount of criticisim leved at the game?
Sure Adam, I was, I mean I’ve been shot 9 times, I’ve been through adversity, one time I bought 3 kilos of crack cocaine and I couldn’t sell it, so I had to smoke it myself, I know about adversity. So after all I have been through I figured the critics may have given me a break but no, perhaps I may have to break their heads, or better still they can listen to my record a few times (deep slightly scary laugh)

But it is kind of violent
So is the world G! It’s more of a documentary than a game I believe. Would you rather your kid live in fairy land at home then come into the real world having not even been shot 9 times? Or would you rather him mow down a few people in a car, punch the crap out of somebody and shoot an old lady on a game first to get in some practice and be prepared for the real thing. I think of it as a life simulator, I may market them in such a way that they can be sold in schools.

Really?
It’s a tough time, childhood, worrying about joining your first gang, your first murder, we all go through it, if you grow up without street cred, your nobody, how do you think I have sold millions of records, do you think I can sing? I let you in on a little secret, its not actually me, its actually a chainsaw that does the vocals.

Have you really been shot 9 times?
I don’t like to talk about that Adam.

Have you or would you play this game with your son?
Well, I’ve been shot 9 times, and I’ve shot my son 4 times already, he knows what life is about and yes we play the game together, but if he beats me, I put his head in the jaws of my pit bull (that laugh again)

Finally on a lighter note, you also have a clothing label, how is that going and where did the idea come from?
Well, I found I couldn’t fit my enormous biceps in most items of clothing in the stores, and all my clothes had holes in them, from the 9 times I’ve been shot, I figured I could have my own range for all the people out there so they can look as fly as me. As for headgear, I’ve never found anything that was able to fit my enormous head, so now everybody else out there with a deformity can wear hats too.

Thanks for speaking to me
That’s cool, where’s my money? Can I ask that you give it too me in cash, my concern is it may take me into a higher tax bracket.

Waiting

2005-12-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

I think I hate waiting

OK I don’t mind waiting for a decent cause, like my burger to be perfectly cooked or for the conditioner to work in the shower. It’s incompetence that I can’t bear holding up my time for. I’ve had near aneurysms in supermarket queues waiting for some useless twit to count the £10 bill out in copper coins on the counter, or the old coot that gently slides in front of me in the line and puts his weekly feed of canned dog food on the counter before you can bother to argue. I think instead of a 5 items or less aisle they should have a normal person aisle, and the rest of the aisles can be named after the 3 stooges for the rest of these idiots. By the way, here’s a tip, don’t go near a supermarket on pension day. You may also finally re-emerge in to the world of the living from those automatic doors pensioner.

The waiting that really makes me do my block is at the cash machine. OK surely it can’t take more than 45 seconds right? To type in 4 numbers, hit 2 more buttons and fuck off. No apparently not! Apparently it’s an arduous task that requires skill, cunning, thinking and at least 3 minutes, 5 if you’re a woman or old. What are these people doing? Its not an x-box. I don’t know about you, but when I step into that line, I already know what I am doing there, taking out cash, so I have my card in my hand and my Pin at the forefront of my mind. But these people, no, they stare into space thinking about a puffy dog or something, then seem genuinely shocked when its their turn in the line, so shocked that they haven’t even bothered to locate their card in the urban jungle that is the bottom of their bag. After the longest minute of my life, they put the card in and intently type in some numbers, one at a time, very carefully, it might blow up if you do it to fast you know.

Then they stand back and look up to contemplate the winds of economic change in the current world and the new world order and how the fluctuating Dow Jones index may well affect their shopping budget before finally hitting the 20£ button. They then stand back again for a minute before realising they had to type OK after that. Then they carefully tuck the money away in their purse, and put the card away, while still standing in front of the machine mind you, not moving over for the next poor sap. Then they finally fuck off, at which time you step forward and the idiot returns and goes in front of you again to get the all-important receipt! That they take out and scrunch into a ball without even reading.

GRRR I need not even start about people who get their balance, cancel the transaction, retrieve their card then put it back in again to take out cash.

I know I’ve said I love dealing with cash, but I’m still not too fond of dealing with idiots.

Egg Heads

2005-12-16T04:21:00.000-08:00

I think I hate eccentric eggheads.

Especially universities who waste our precious government funding doing ultra vital, seriously important, life altering experiments such as the probability of your toast falling buttered side down when you drop it, does a cat think when its playing with a ball, how many breaths do you take in your life time or why are you more likely to sleep on your side if you have brown eyes and went to school in Timbuktu.

Aren’t there more important things to find out? Like a cure for Cancer or what Michael Jackson is made of?

Anyway the latest ground breaker from the boffins at the University of Amsterdam is right up there with the stellar work coming out of the Ponds institute. They believe they can now tell if the Mona Lisa was happy or not. Apparently her cryptic half smile has baffled art critics for nearly 5 centuries. Some claim she is not smiling at all, and in fact she is really hiding something more sinister. A vibrating toy up the skirt perhaps? Anyhow Da Vinci’s painting has been analysed by a new emotion recognising super Computer and the findings may shock and/or horrify you.

She was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2 % angry.

Sounds like me after sex.

So maybe we now have our answer, and we didn’t need a freakin super computer to figure this out, she obviously had just shagged Leo and was kicking back in the after glow, what you can’t actually see is the cigarette in her left hand but it is kind of Smokey in the back ground. She may even be still smirking at his small wang at the time of painting? To those who believe its actually a self portrait of Da Vinci himself, my theory still holds true……what its un heard of for a man to dress in women’s clothing and have a little downstairs play?……………Geniuses are a little left field.

Unbeknownst to you I have installed the same face recognition software on my blog interface and it has come up with the following findings.

After reading this piece you were

55% bemused, 13% flabbergasted, 9% awe, 7% nauseous, 5% gassy, 4% bi-sexual 1% other

Cashless Society

2005-12-14T02:40:00.000-08:00

I think I hate the cashless society.

Not to sound ancient or anything but I remember when I had my first real job at age 17, as an apprentice chef. At the end of each week I’d get a yellow envelope, which I’d promptly rip open and it was full of crisp bank notes. It really felt like I had achieved something. I would go and pay all my bills and have fuck all left, but at least I actually saw what I had earnt and it meant something.

These days I’m getting so disenchanted with the whole thing. At the end of every month a few numbers go into my bank account, a few numbers get taken out to pay this, a few numbers get taken out to pay that, more numbers get moved over for the rent, I look at my account and there’s still fuck all in there just like before but I didn’t even get the joy of seeing it or touching it or even paying for what I had used. It makes me wonder why I even got up at 7 30 each morning….Where’s my carrot!

It’s just a bunch of meaningless numbers.

Why doesn’t my work just pay my rent for me and my bills, cut me out, I’m just the middleman. Infact, Why don’t we just wear drab green and hoist a red flag up the pole, Why did we even fight it in the first place, we are nearly being controlled in the same way by a sinister group of leaders.

So everything we pay for is now through a bank…fee to pay in..fee to pay out…fee for the end of the month..fee for maintenance..fee for overdue payment..fee for going into the actual bank..fee for using the cash mashine..fee for point of sale purchase..fee for scratching my arse..fee for breathing. This isn’t about bank bashing, anyone can do that, they are an easy target.

Its about the powers that be that think they are doing me a favour by making things easy and convenient, meanwhile they are taking away every little part of life that makes me not a machine, every part of life that makes life bearable and enjoyable.

I want to look around shops and markets, I want to pay in cash, I like paying in cash, so what happens when they remove cash and give us all a swipe card or iris scan?…What am I going to put in the g string of a stripper? What am I going to roll up to do a line? What change jar am I going too empty to use at a card night? What am I going to find on the ground that will make my day!

If they are trying to suck every piece of motivation and life out of me, they are doing well.

hollywood crap

2005-12-12T04:38:00.000-08:00

I think I hate Hollywood.

What’s wrong with these people? Can’t they think of any thing new? Apparently the only movies that were released this year were remakes of something already done or sequels. Have all the creative juices been squeezed out of these people by the moneymaking needs of the film studios? What ever happened to making movies for the love of the art. What ever happened to top-notch method actors like De Nero or Pacino that sunk their teeth into roles so far that you actually believed they were whom they were playing. These days we get these robotic entertainment machines that star in movies…but can’t actually act, have an album out, but can’t really sing, they each have their own fragrance, clothing line, calendar and fitness video. If they gave 100% to either acting or singing it might be ok, but they are spreading themselves all over the place like a cheap whore meaning the quality suffers. They are their own franchise, they don’t own themselves, are just working for the headman upstairs. They are at the mercy of some guy in an office who has a sheet marked demographics and a list of stereotypes he needs to fill.

It’s most blatant in boy bands or girl bands, I can’t actually believe how transparent it is, why do people lap it up? Each ‘group’ has the black guy, the spiky haired guy, the guy with the piercing & tattoos and the boy next-door type. Each girl band has the blonde, the brunette, the redhead and the slut. To make matters even worse they don’t even try to hide the fact, their greed for money is so huge, they open up the whole procedure to television, with shows like pop stars and x factor , so they can recruit these machines, groom them and kill 2 birds with one stone; get a top selling band, and a top rating TV show at the same time. Meanwhile an industry that was already poor has lost even more cred.

Can anyone write their own songs? Are they allowed to? Are the actual people who write the songs for pop stars just too ugly to have made it for themselves? Somebody like Jack Black has a good singing voice and music skill, and can act, yet because he dosen’t fit the looks bill of the robotic entertainer he has been forced to do novelty music and crass comedic acting.
I wish I could listen to music or watch movies and believe they were made with love and care, but I know its just another angle or medium that the man is using to get into my head for some reason or another.

Fuck them, ill watch re-runs of mash instead.

Michael Moore

2005-12-08T05:55:00.000-08:00

I think I hate Michael Moore.

The champion of the common people he paints himself as, more like the person who thinks for those who can’t for themselves. He pastes a bunch of non-sequential facts together, voices over the point he wants to get across, and bingo, the common people of the world are crying foul and cheering and hollering for him. He’s not lying par say……..but he is bending the truth to its absolute limits. He has mastered the art of presenting only one side of the story like no other. It's really sad. He TRIES to champion many noble causes, but he so blatantly misrepresents the facts, or just ignores them all together, that intelligent people are driven away. The only people that buy all of his crap are too stupid to see his obviously one-sided slant.

He obviously wishes he had dreadlocks and could hug trees like the other lefties, but seeing as he’s a balding cap wearing middle aged man, he will have to settle for a festy unkept beard.

It just infuriates me! After one of his movies comes out, all these people come out of the woodwork who’s conversations normally extend to what they eat for dinner or the latest sports results. They start talking about the big issues. Like gun crime, or war or oil and Its not that they are talking about it that upsets me, I’m glad that they are enlightened and are getting involved in real issues, its just that they have been duped by this man, and are just regurgitating what he feeds them almost to the word, without even thinking. Surely any reasonable person can realise that K-Mart or some bomb making company didn’t cause Columbine.

People can say don’t take him so seriously, just take him with a grain of salt…and I would, but the fact is he leaves himself wide open to attacks by those with even a little knowledge on the subjects he “covers”. If he wasn’t trying to trick simple people, I wouldn’t care, id take it as an entertaining semi-fictitious documentary, but seeing as his style is such that he tugs at the heart strings of the very people he is trying to dupe I must take offence.

It’s Propaganda at its worst.

Taking a quadriplegic to k-mart? Talking to parents of dead black soldiers? Harassing a semi senile NRA leader? All stunts, along with making a controversial remarks at the Oscars, what are you trying to prove mate? Any cred you may have had has now disappeared; even if you do champion an issue with the greatest of intentions now, any intelligent person in their right mind wont believe you any more.

And I didn’t even mention he was obese.

The bus

2005-12-06T00:48:00.000-08:00

I think I hate people on the bus.

Especially when I get the bus at 7:50 a.m, I get all the school aged shits being mildly annoying. There is always quite a fruity mix of people on the bus, you know gangs, rapists, illegal immigrants, giggling school kids, homeless drunks, and about 5 normal people going to work…..We always make eye contact us 5, and we have a verbal understanding that we ARE the normal ones. Us against them. Why can’t all these undesirables just catch the train, at least that way they can look into their own backyards as they go along. Anyway as I’m standing in the aisle, my teeth grinding with rage at having been pushed past at the door by 3 school fucks trying to get the only free seats I ponder, why do I hate these freaking people.

Because they push the button to stop the bus EVEN when it’s approaching its last
stop?

Because they insist on wearing their backpack on the crowded bus and try to turn around?

Because they play with they’re mobile phones testing out naff ring tones at ear bursting levels?

Because they eat stinking Middle Eastern food that singes my nose hairs with its rank aroma?

Because they run top speed to catch the bus as its leaving, then when the driver opens the door they stop running, to walk for 15 meters and hold the rest of us up?

Because they stand UNDER the bus stop still holding their umbrella up whilst the umbrella-less me stands in the rain?

Because they get on the bus without even having their money or purse ready, fishing through their bag for 3 minutes finding money holding me up again?

What, did they think it was going to be free this time…..I wont get my money or ticket ready, ill just stand and stare into space for a while- bah!

Maybe is just because I know the bus is taking me to work, so anything I see will upset me but fuck this is just the tip of the iceberg, I could go on and on…I know I sound petty, but if people actually thought of others just once in their life, id be surprised.

Ben Affleck

2005-12-02T03:24:00.000-08:00

I think I hate Ben Affleck

The big arrogant oaf. Ok maybe I used to laugh at his puerile antics when I was 15, but the beginning of the end for me came when he beat up Broadie in the corridor of the shops in mallrats. The shining star that was Afflecks career was on the rise, his chin was growing at a rate correlative to his ego, especially after managing to scribble his name in crayon at the bottom of the Good Will Hunting script after Matt had written it. Things looked good until we realised that the term ‘actor’ Means to act, but Ben can only play himself, thus negating the key part of the word acting. So as flop after flop passed by Ben drank more and more booze, and his chin became a hollow vessel of its former self, more of a liability now, it only became useful in daredevil for its super-hero qualities.

So enter phase 2 of the career kick-start, the Lopez era, no it’s not a Hispanic regime, it was the ill-fated relationship with J-lo. Ben turns from knockabout trackie pants Bob to slick twat In a suit Joe, hanging off Jenny’s perfectly produced and calculated life, Jenny wore brown, Ben wore brown, Jenny wore blue, Ben wore blue, Jenny’s spin doctors said jump, Ben said how high. Needless to say the shit hit the fan just before marriage time and Jen went and found image perfect husband number 5 elsewhere and Ben was left to wallow.

And wallow he did, in alcohol, gambling, porn; all of life’s finer things but I don’t mind that, at least he was being more himself again, except the arrogance was still there. Take what you can get mate…even if you have 5 day growth and a beer in hand, a pic in a mag is still fame. Don’t go lashing out at the picture takers who made you famous in the first place.

So to cut a boring story short, he hasn’t made shit that meant anything for years and now he gets snapped every day drinking Starbucks with the missus, there isn’t a time when there is no coffee cup in hand, sceptics think they have a sly advertising deal with the coffee company where by they have to have a Starbucks cup in their hands all the time to promote the brand, I hope it is a good money deal for Bens sake, or else it wont be the last cup he has in his hand.

Get Lost

2005-12-01T00:36:00.000-08:00

(note: lost has just started here)

I think I hate popular prime time TV series

I hate when a new TV series comes onto TV, ones such as Lost, 24, X files, you know the type; and me, having some semblance of a life doesn’t bother to watch the first or second episode thinking its only a TV show, until low and behold in one foul swoop I’ve been cast aside from every conversation in every room of every building anywhere I go. I’ve been thinking of building a water cooler that’s attached to my leg just so as people can talk to me again on Monday, or I can at least feel involved.

Of course the big catch is, once you’ve missed the first few episodes, there’s no coming back, even if you do suddenly think you may want to start watching its no use, you can’t get into it and deep down you want to hate it, and your too stubborn to watch it now, you actually want to say to people in a few years time when it’s a long distant memory, ‘nah I didn’t watch that shit’.

Do you hear anybody admitting to watching twin peaks these days? Noo but if you didn’t know who killed Laura Palmer back then, you would be in the position that I am in now. Fucked if I know who was in that fucking plane when it fell out of the sky, I don’t know who the fat guy is, I don’t know why they don’t have hairy faces yet they are in the jungle with no shavers, I don’t know if there is a beast or alien hunting them, I don’t know why the fat guy is still fat after being on a desert island all this time, I don’t know how Charlie from party of five got to go to Australia without the others from the family winging at him to have a family meeting and most of all, I don’t fucking care that they are lost.

Please bring on the next fad, sporting triumph or natural disaster so something else can get talked about.

kate moss

2005-11-30T02:23:00.000-08:00

I think I hate Kate Moss.

She’s another pain in the arse on many levels. For starters, she isn’t even attractive I think, but you know these things are subjective. I can’t really hold that against her, I’m no oil painting. But c’mon, is there anybody out there who didn’t believe she was a coke snorting drug whore? Just have a look at her; Rich, young, bored, gaunt, pale. She’s snorted so much powder her eyes have permanently ended up 5 inches apart.

Anyhow, so then she gets mixed up with Pete Doherty, the junkie with a heart of gold, and her life seems to spiral further into the gutter, which by the way all the company’s with whom she has modelling contracts with secretly love because she appeals even more to the ‘in’ ghetto filth drug whore culture they think is so hot right now.

Anyway I digress- finally as their flying fruit circus of a relationship reaches breaking point, she gets seen racking up lines on a CD case in west London and all hell breaks loose in the media. Kate thinks oh fuck…or maybe her minder/dealer thinks oh fuck and she comes out all teary with a ‘my drugs hell’ story, knowing full well she can feign a stint in rehab, come out the other side with a story that all the girls of the world will be admiring. Oh my god she’s so strong, such a trooper, after all she’s been through.

Fuck off!

What’s she actually been through?…she got caught? I wouldn’t mind the torment of having a gazillion dollars and have people feel sorry for me about it. She’s playing the Drew Barrymore card to perfection. But maybe drew actually went through something…but don’t get me started on her either.

So anyway all the contracts she lost, she regained again anyway…..hmmmmm

Must have been that do something big so we get publicity, then we will re-sign you again anyway clause.
Kate, you’re my hero! keep on truckin for us all, it helps us get through too.

Madonna

2005-11-29T03:54:00.000-08:00

I think i hate madonna..

Madonna is a pain in the arse, put simply.
Where do you start? She is annoying and offensive on every level possible.
If any other artist in the world changes their styles and habits to fit the latest trends they are called sell outs, but she is fucking hailed for it!

Every one rates her new album, fuck me..she goes into a studio and adds 5 minutes of vocals over somebody else’s work and its hers???????

Her management simply says she has a new found spirituality and is happy within herself and it gives her serenity in life. Bull fuck! Mabey she fucked everyone and everything there was to fuck, so that’s why she stopped. So the kabbalah gives you serenity does it Madge?, you sure you arn’t feeling a little guilty about past happenings? I don’t think the Jews believe in the Madonna Madge, or Lourdes for that matter.

If you had a new found serenity in life you wouldn’t have to feel the need to change your image every 5 minutes to appease the public so they don’t think your old. The Deli Lama, now there’s somebody who has serenity, and he’s worn the same get up for years, hasn’t even changed his square glasses once.

Compare a human legend like him to that piece of filth, who once took woman kind back 3 generations with her antics of fucking Pepsi bottles and making black and white porn books dressed up as class.

No comparison.

Your old Madge, you have bingo wings hanging from your under arms, your nearly 50, and you look like it, so act like it, and dress like it. Age gracefully. We don’t want cowboy Madonna, slut Madonna, ballet Madonna, hooker Madonna, kindergarden teacher Madonna, ye olde English Madonna, disco queen Madonna. Kissing a young girl and fucking her life up wont make you younger either.

Oh and by the way, your not English and never will be, go back to that crass hole you call home and stop bringing down another race. Oh and your hubby?, do you think he can get away with making the same movie 15 times under a different title? He could just direct all your clips in the same style too

Please slip into obscurity gracefully

Expensive stuff

2005-11-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

You may by now have noticed, that I learn most of the raft of facts that my brain is blessed with, from the internet and the paper, and in keeping with that tradition here is another pearl;

Here is a list of the 32 most expensive liquids in the world. Some of them are some unknown American brands to us, but you’ll get the picture. But first before you read ahead, try and think of what the top 5 may be in your head , see if you get even close.

32- Kikkoman soy sauce price per gallon $15 33 us
31- Latex house paint price per gallon $16 50 us
30- Jamba jucie price per gallon $21 82 us
29- Liquid nails price per gallon $24 02 us
29- Soup peddler delivered soup price per gallon $28 00 us
27- Red bull price per gallon $30 69 us
26- Armour all price per gallon $31 92 us
25- Head and shoulders shampoo price per gallon $37 74 us
24- Rain x price per gallon $39 92 us
23- Absolut vodka price per gallon $58 26 us
22- Round-up price per gallon $63 20 us
21- Grapeseed oil price per gallon $69 47 us
20- Renu contact lens solution price per gallon $82 03 us
19- Tobasco sauce price per gallon $94 46 us
18- Robitusson price per gallon $109 76 us
17- Fresh squeezed wheat grass price per gallon $124 80 us
16- Vanilla exract price per gallon $127 84 us
15- Liquid paper price per gallon $198 04 us
14- Scinillation cocktail price per gallon $209 45 us
13- Penicillin price per gallon $301 49 us
12- Punky hair dye price per gallon $327 31 us
11- Patchouli oil price per gallon $806 40 us
10- Cover girl nail polish price per gallon $892 80 us
9- Human blood price per gallon $1514 79 us
8- GHB price per gallon $2560 00 us
7- Printer ink from ink cartridge price per gallon $2701 52 us
6- Mercury price per gallon $3433 33 us
5- Insulin price per gallon $9411 76 us
4- Chanel 5 price per gallon $25 600 us
3- LSD price per gallon $122 880 us
2- Cobra venom price per gallon $152 835 us
1- Scorpion venom price per gallon $38 858 507 us.

So there you go.

No cynical comments or humour, I just thought it was interesting.

Spray on condom

2005-11-25T01:55:00.000-08:00

Today’s paper has a ripper in it. This could be the biggest advancement in female contraception since the fat chick or the red headed child.

It’s the condom-in-a-can, It’s the size of breath freshener and sprays antiseptic foam which is said to form a barrier inside the vag which prevents pregnancy. The ‘invisible condom’ as its known also protects women from infection and acts as a lubricant. By the sounds of it the only thing it can’t do is get you a fuck in the first place but I’m sure that’s out of the realm of a meagre contraceptive device. Each 8 cm can, can be used at least 25 times and it apparently gets its anti-biotic properties from nano-sized particles of silver. It has been flying of the shelf in pharmacies after going on sale in China.

In other news a Colombian man has choked to death in a Bogotá airport last Friday as he tried to swallow a condom-in-a-can full of cocaine to smuggle it out of the country, but on a brighter note his autopsy revealed his throat was free of STD’s and he has perfect dental fillings.

Meanwhile in Sydney last week a virgin male and his girlfriend have tragically perished as they accidnetly pierced their condom in a can whilst trying to rip it open it with their figner nails.

sell sell sell

2005-11-24T00:49:00.000-08:00

I hate marketing people, I hate advertising guru’s in general, I hate the term demographic, I hate how these svengalis are at us 24 hours a day eating away at us trying to make us buy this and buy that, even when you think you are safe, they’ll be at you some how, on the radio, on the TV, on a bill board, on your phone, in your magazine, before a presentation at a sporting event, on a football, on a boxers back, on a t-shirt, on a shopping bag, in a shopping bag, on the internet, don’t have a moment of weakness whatever you do!, Or else before you know it you’ll be up to your eyeballs in debt on the credit card…that you didn’t even want, but the bank wouldn’t shut up about for a year pounding you with letters and comments and phone calls. I hate buy 3 for 2, I hate 50% off your second item, I hate buy 1 get one free from selected items, I hate 10£ cash back on this item, I hate closing down sale, I hate fire sale, I hate stock liquidation sale.

These wankers don’t use the normal Gregorian calendar like we do, they use the how-much-can-we-leech-out-of-these-idiots-sale calendar, here are their months of the year;

Janurary- Post xmas sale
Feburary- Valentines sale
March- Easter sale
April- Post summer sale
May- Mothers day sale
June- Winter sale
July- Mid year sale
August- Post winter sale
September- Fathers day sale
October- Pre summer sale
November- Pre Christmas sale
December- Christmas sale

Marketing now is less about economics and more about psychiatry, finding ways of breaking down our brains bit by bit until we are consuming zombies. Big deal if consumerism makes the world go round, I’m sure the world didn’t fall over on its axis when we bought things just because we needed them, and not because these turds want us to have it. Have a heart you pricks, and stop preying on us like vultures.

Rocky 6

2005-11-23T00:20:00.000-08:00

The news all sane minded people have been waiting to hear has finally come to fruition. Yes there is to be a new, and 6th Rocky movie. You fucking beauty!, where can I line up for tickets.

According to the paper, Stallone has been pushing for this movie to be made for a few years now yet the film studio, in their wisdom kept knocking him back. But Stallone showed the true rocky spirit, grit and determination; trained, argued with Adrian, then did another training montage, then had a close friend die, then trained even harder and decided to produce and fund the movie himself. What a battler.

The plot sees Balboa sliding further into obscurity, living in the old hood around Philly where he started his journey. Still struggling for money after Paulie signed their lives away Adrian continues to work in the pet store, while Rocky decides to fight a few fundraising bouts to raise money for his beloved church. The evil promoter of the world champion Mason ‘the line’ Dixon tricks sly into an exhibition bout and before you know it, it is again a media circus.

I’ve been thinking about it and I reckon I’ve got a better plot.

I reckon Rocky and Adrian should go for a holiday to the woods, and whilst there Adrian gets killed by a grizzly bear. Rocky is crestfallen, he goes home and contemplates what to do, over a bottle of bourbon before swiftly challenging the bear to a re-match. On Christmas day. At Yosemite National Park. Rocky enlists the help of Chuck Norris to train him, putting him through rigorous new training techniques including experimentation with DNA splicing, time travel and skipping. While the bear goes about his daily training schedule of catching upstream swimming salmon, climbing trees, and stealing picnic baskets. You can see from the start the bear is going to be horribly under prepared, cause rocky is cut! He’s as big as he has ever been, thanks to DNA splice with the blue whale.

So the big day arrives and Rocky heads back to the woods, all the time reliving the torment in his mind of Adrian getting mauled by the bear, thinking he should have done more, it should have been him. So he and Chuck arrive, but to their horror, Paulie had been secretly training the bear with advanced tactics of hitting it with empty scotch bottles and shooting it with tranquiliser darts. The bear has a look of Satan in its eyes, it wants to kill, whomever is in its path, and the little Italian, with the big heart, Balboa is that man.

The fight starts brutally; rocky is way outmatched, how is he taking this much punishment? He already has 2 broken arms, a broken blowhole and blubber is profusely coming out of a cut over his left eye. But he stays in it, he has a plan! with a mixture of blood and blubber covering rocky the bear is coming in for the final kill, teeth snarling. Chuck is shaking his head, wondering what he is doing but then Rocky’s plan kicks in. Rocky remembers that the best way to beat a bear is to play dead, which was a great coincidence, because he just died. As the bear wondered what to do the ghost of Rocky, Apollo, Adrian, Mickey, and Norris who had just moved to the other side briefly, all jumped on the bear and the fight was won to the rapturous beat of the rocky soundtrack.

What a movie! Ill be waiting for the knock on the door hollywood….

Mobile phone dudes

2005-11-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

The used car salesman has a pretty poor reputation in the world, is it the checkered jacket? The chest hair and gold chains? Or just the sleazy nature? Whatever it is, I think he has just been superseeded.

The used car salesman of the new millennium is somebody just as sleazy. It’s the mobile phone salesman. You know, the 18-year-old Asian/Middle eastern guy with the pin striped suit, pointy shirt collar, fucked up cool facial hair and bling jewllery. Complete with the Lanyard hanging from his neck and the I-know-more-about-this-than-you-so-come-over-crawling-to-me look on his face….just waiting for the next sucker to come on in.

I reckon they love it when anybody over 35 walks in, they rub the kebab juice of their hands and prepare to screw that pooch. It’s hard enough for us technological savvy generation X’ers to keep up with the latest phone gizmos, let alone the million and one plan options that you are being roped into. For someone who’s old and still terrified by the programming function of a VCR it must be mind boggling. You can tell when an old person has finally taken the plunge and bought the mobile phone, cause its right there like a badge of honour for the whole world to see, clipped onto their belt. You can just tell they are waiting for it to ring so they and everybody else can hear the Waltzing Matilda ring tone their son has downloaded for them.

I love how these naff bastards sit you down at the little table and face you like its an interview, like we have to impress them enough for them to approve us to get a phone. Tapping away at the computer like a wannabe bank teller, handing us the contract like it actually means something. Is there a person alive today who hasn’t left a phone contract mid way when a better phone came along? Just give me my fucking phone and ill be out, I don’t care how many minutes I didn’t use last month or how much I could be saving on the next plan up.

On the street or in the BMW you get the ultra cool pounce, with the ultra slim phone, the ultra cool clothing, sleek sunnies, you know true latte set type, every thing perfect and unobtrusive…. Then a huge fucking plastic monstrosity of a thing hanging out of their ear and protruding down to the side of their face so they can walk down the street talking to thin air and look even stupider. They are looking worse than a Don Johnson styled 80’s dude carrying a brick.

I’m not even going to go into the crazy frog or downloaded ringtone’s or people who listen to music at ear drum perforating loudness on the bus through 5 cent phone speakers or who hang their phone round their neck or anyone else, lets just say these people are all off the hook.

fear of flying

2005-11-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

People who say they don’t fear flying are liars. I’m not talking about running up and down the cabin, sweating profusely, fingers dug deep into your partners arms fear, those fears happen, but they are more like a phobia. I’m talking more about “What was that noise?” type of fear, I call it a rational fear. It’s a fact, people can’t fly, we don’t have wings, it is not a natural thing for us to do therefore I think its natural for us to have a fear of doing something we can’t naturally do. A fear isn’t a bad thing, a fear is just our minds way of telling us to be careful, something is happening that we must be aware of.

But you get these people who try to act tough and say, I don’t fear flying, I don’t care, stop being a wimp etc and fold their arms…but I watch, during a flight, when there is a touch of turbulence or a clunk, their eyes dart left and right like the rest of us.

I’m not saying I have a rabid fear of flying; I just don’t totally relax in an aeroplane. No matter how many times I hear somebody tell me how a plane works, the statistics of fatal deaths against flights taken, the safety procedures at airlines and all that, I understand and believe all that, and I know the chances are minimal. Its just in that moment, when I’m 30000 feet above the ground and the plane drops and my stomach hits the roof, or I hear a loud noise during take-off, my heart skips a few beats, I’m sure that’s pretty normal. Machines break down, because they are only machines, how many cars do you see broken down on the side of the road? It’s normally not until the diversion of food arrives that my mind gets onto more important things, like the holiday ahead and then I relax and go through the process that is eating airline meals.
Which I love, eating airline meals is like getting the perfect bite every time, everything is portioned out perfectly, its king.

There is an exception to my un relaxed flying. On long haul flights, I strangely feel more relaxed, even though the plane is double the size, when I’m in there I feel as if I’m in my lounge room and I usually spend the 20 odd hours sleeping or eating or watching the TV, maybe I like it because its close to my ideal life!

I think even if there wasn’t one airplane crash disaster movie on TV, or any horrific plane crashes on the news and we were totally kept away from the thought of crashing there would still be some sense of fear because you are up 30000 feet above the ground, and if the engine stops, you can’t flap your wings to safety. You would fear standing on the edge of a 30000 foot building, even though a building won’t fall down! The hostess’s stupid little production at the start doesn’t help either, like any of that shit matters, they should say, in the event of a plane crash please bend over and kiss your sweet arse goodbye, and all those who don’t fear flying, you will all die first because you obviously don’t care.

life goes on...

2005-11-18T01:56:00.000-08:00

Life goes on.... A working holiday in the UK gives you just enough time to get far too comfortable. We soak up a new way of living, weekends become a blur, we make new friends, enjoy great parties, different work and carefree travel. But before you know it, you’ll find yourself in an empty room drinking cheap wine straight from the bottle while you try to cram two years of life into a couple of packing boxes or a backpack.

It's only when the rug gets pulled from under you that you’ll remember the whole thing was only temporary. It's the bittersweet finale we will all face eventually. Going home isn't going to be easy when you don't necessarily want to go. You may be headed back to the best country in the world, but its little consolation for everything you've left behind or the gut-wrenching reality that descends with your final long haul flight.

The first tentative weeks home will be a novelty. Old friends might mock your accent, Carlton Draught is back on tap and your mum washes, dries and irons your laundry the same day you threw it out. Then suddenly life will seem far too normal and you’ll probably realise that, apart from the new McDonald's drive thru restaurant and the death of your old next door neighbour, nothing much has really changed. It seems that while you spent the past two years carving it up at house parties, skipping across to Europe and the world and generally taking as little responsibility for life as possible, all your mates were getting married, taking out mortgages and buying golden retrievers and the like. And just to twist the knife, they probably wont particularly want to hear how good you had it. That'll leave you to contemplate a 500 £ overdraft and 15 films you still can't afford to have processed.

But it's not the end of the world. Chances are you could probably get your old job back and, if you don't want it, you have the freedom to shop around, think about life and what exactly you plan to do with it. It's easy to forget how good London can look on a resume. In the grand scheme of things, there aren't many people who've done what you have -pulled the plug on life, headed to a new one on the other side of the world, claimed a legitimate job of your own and not had a mental breakdown in the process. You could turn up drunk to an interview and the employer will still think you're responsible, motivated and independent.

More importantly, though, coming home will finally give an opportunity to relish all those things you missed most. Things like cruising down the beach with the window down and the stereo blaring with all the music you never got sick of three years ago. You can eat hot pies from the servo, order Chiko Rolls with the ends burnt and drink chocolate milkshakes that aren't thick with preservatives; shop assistants actually assist and nobody heads down to the pub before 11pm. Coming home will certainly be an experience.

Everything will be different, and nothing will have changed at the same time. Ill still love the place. But For a little while, ill be in a strange limbo, Ill probably still log on to www.yahoo.co.uk to get news updates and check Easy jet to see where i could fly for 1 pound, but eventually Ill sink back into the way it was always going to be.

I think it will feel strange, leaving new friends, having already left old friends, going back to some that might not even be there anymore. I’m sure I’ll miss the other side of the world, but you can frame the best bits and sit them next to the pictures of friends you made and left behind. Most of them will keep in touch. The really good ones won't have to. These thoughts have come about from what people who have already gone home have said. There’s only 8 months to go, better stop thinking about the end and make the most of it!

Go aussies!!!!

2005-11-17T04:22:00.000-08:00

Well done Socceroos!!! And thank fuck for that. After 12 years of near misses, chewed finger nails and 3 heart breaks we finally made it!! And finally I’ve got something to gloat about over here again. After the piss poor cricket and the rugby…even though I don’t even follow it the poms give me shit about it, at last I can gloat about Australian sport again and start predicting our world cup triumph. I spent all of yesterday morning at work watching a live streamed net coverage of the game hoping not to get busted by the I.T. boffins, any chances of a covert mission were gone by penalty time when every Aussie within 2 floors was at the P.C cheering. Trust the Socceroos to not only take it to the wire, but down to the wire of the wire.

I’m not sure how it was received over there but here, being such a football mad country we can’t help but get involved in football, so even better that it be our country! Being in the minority it feels like they did it just for us to help us get some back and boost our national pride! Every Aussie here is still beaming. Smiles from ear to ear.

I suppose everybody there is now a football expert like everyone is a tennis expert during the Australian open, and a skiing expert during the winter Olympics etc, but it can only be a good thing to boost the status of the world game over there. Now finally I can follow my real team in the world cup instead of my surrogate team Italy, they are shit boring to watch anyway. Anyhow, bring on Germany in June!!, I’m sure we will do well, no matter what the sport is we always perform when it counts, it must be a stubborn pride thing, who cares what it is, ill be there cheering it on.

a REAL hero

2005-11-16T00:35:00.000-08:00

Through the annals of time, the feats of some individuals have ensured that they are remembered as historical geniuses. People of the calibre of Jesus Christ, Napoleon, Einstein, Da Vinci , Hitler, Edison, Luther-king etc have gone into the history books as special people. I believe there is one name missing from this list and I am embarking on a campaign to get him the recognition he deserves.

This person, this man, this…..I wont say a hero, hero is such a strong word, this Demigod deserves everything that comes his way and I don’t think he receives the kudos he deserves. The man is Chuck Norris. His C.V is impressive, U.S Air force pilot, Martial arts master, the only man to beat Bruce Lee in a fight. He’s even had time in his latter years to take over the mantle as a Texas Ranger.

But it’s behind the scenes that he really comes into his own, although he is far too modest to admit, here are some facts about Chuck Norris I think you should know;

*Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
*On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
*It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
*Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
*Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
*When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Burger King.
*Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn
*Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
*Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany
*Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
*Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
*If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
*Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
*Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
*Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.
*Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
*One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
*Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.
*Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

So there you have it, hero?……ill let you decide.

animal spies

2005-11-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

I was reading in the paper today an article about the use of animals as spies. The crafty Russians are …yes I said are, not were, are training turtles to become spies, they can have cameras planted into their shells and they can even (apparently) be trained to deposit bombs or recording devices. Of course this is not a new phenomenon, pigeons were used extensively in WW1, and trained dolphins and seals were used in Vietnam and the Gulf war. The possibilities are endless!. I’ve compiled my pros and cons of a few animals abilities to be spies.

Dog;
Pros- Loyal to the end, once it locks on a target it wont look away, especially a cat in a tree, Sharp teeth for biting suspect, can also carry flea spies in its coat. Easily trained with a rolled up newspaper.
Cons- Not the most stealthy of creatures, usually can be distracted by a stick or ball being thrown, the word intelligence doesn’t really fit.

Cat;
Pros- Good at sneaking around, great at saving energy for when needed, cleans itself so can go months on stakeout without a shower.
Cons- Probably would turn its nose up at most missions, can be easily diverted by a ball of string or a mouse. Tends to all of a sudden jump and run into another country for no apparent reason.

Dolphin;
Pros- Considered to be one of the most intelligent non human species, uses acute sonar to hear and communicate, can spy in water or on land, can balance a bomb on its nose while going thru a hoop.
Cons- Prone to showing off which can blow their cover, can go a.w.o.l in drift nets.

Crocodile;
Pros- Sneaky bastards will stalk for hours on land or water, have been around since the dinosaurs and know every trick in the book.
Cons- Will probably eat you any chance it can.

Paris Hilton;
Pros- Sucks a mean cock, has opposable thumbs.
Cons- Isn’t a real animal in the true sense of the word.

On second thoughts, the possibilities arn’t so great after all.

Red heads

2005-11-11T00:21:00.000-08:00

I read with dismay in this week’s paper that the red head is to become extinct in only a few hundred or mabey a thousand years. I think this is an outrage!

This is what the wikipedia says about the red head;
‘Red hair is a hair color shared by several species, among them humans, orangutans, domestic cats, cattle, and horses. It varies from a deep red through to bright copper’.

Now you can bet if the orangutang, cat, cow or horse was to become extinct the world would go mental, embarking on breeding programs and fundrasing to save them, but do I see or hear of one red headed breeding in captivity program? No. Have I ever once seen a red head enclosure at the zoo?? No, How are they going to increase awarness if they wont even aknowledge there is a problem.

The history of red hair is long and illustrious, Judas iscariot is said to have red hair, that shifty bastard, Queen Elizabeth I of England was also a redhead, and during the Elizabethan era in England, red hair was fashionable. Hence the reason these were known as the dark ages ,also because of red hair it was not uncommon to chop peoples heads clean off in these times. Some sources say that sales of vegetables such as carrots and ginger would not be so high if it were not for the red head, and matches may not even exist.

If you should come across a red head in the wild , caution is advised, you should never feed one and always approach with care, they suffer from a phenomenon called red rage, it is belived to stem from years of torment and teasing.

Of latter years the red head has fallen out of popularity, particulaly because of the likes of Ronald Mcdonald, Richie Cunningham, Richie Rich, Dennis the Menace, Ginger Meggs, the Scottish and other dickheads like that. Plus their freckles and ability not to be able to grow decent facial hair makes them totally crap.

If they are allowed to become extinct, it will be somebody else who gets picked on, mabey me or even you!. So next time you see a red head, pat them on the back and tell them you are with them in their fight for survival, then when hes out of sight make a joke about red pubes or freckles or something, I know I will!

Guide for Australian Italians

2005-11-10T00:26:00.000-08:00

I have just been handed a list by Italian prime minister and part time mafia relations minister Don Benito Rigatoni, he animatedly tells me this list is a list of do’s and do not’s for Italians living in Australia. He also said to get out of his office before he ends me.

*At any family function, Do make enough food for at least 150% more people than is needed
*Do have ample stale sponge finger biscuits and peanuts in the cupboard incase visitors arrive
*Do Not take a weekend drive unless you have at least 6 cars in a convoy going
*Do put water filled label-less coke bottles on the front lawn for ease of watering plants
*Do Not have a picnic on a picnic table unless you have a table cloth from home
*Do hire a unit at Rosebud or Rye for the summer holidays
*Do Not under any circumstance use the front room
*Do over use concrete
*Do Not try to integrate into society in any way
*Do pay cash under all circumstances
*Do Not buy a nozzle for the end of the hose, use a thumb pushed against the opening
*Do have an inter-family argument annually
or
*Do have family you are not or will never again speak to again
*Do Not invite anyone to your wedding who didn’t invite you to theirs
*Do get competitive with the neighbours
*Do Not attempt to close your mouth while eating items such as peanuts
*Do teach the age-old tradition of fruit slicing and knifemanship in the cup of the hand to your next of kin
*Do not by a new TV that doesn’t have old push buttons and a rabbit ear aerial
*Do put an ’o’ on the end of any English word to make it Italian
*Do not fall under the threshold of at least 70% of your family being named John or Maria
*Do drive a massive petrol-guzzling car
*Do Not apologise under any circumstance
*Do flick your cards on the table with earth shattering force if you get a scoupa
*Do Not put your arms in your jacket arms no matter how cold it is, wear it only over the shoulders
*Do dis-own your son or daughter if they are gay
*Do Not go outside without your hair blow-dried at least 5 inches high
*Do collect bargains from garage sales, front nature strips and the tip
*Do Not pay full price
*Do Grow tomatoes, grapes and seasonal vegetables at home
*Do Not eat anything without bread
*Do fart, even if you’re a woman and even if you’re over 60 and a woman and in public

And last of all DO have as many kids as you can and spread out year-by-year until you have taken over the whole north, west and northwestern suburbs.

Bums and stuff

2005-11-09T03:09:00.000-08:00

Is the blog the new milleniums version of the crazy person on the train telling his thoughts to everybody while they look away comfortably and try not to make eye contact?

Infact, why do we find it strange that a stranger may want to talk to us? Mabey we are the strange ones, who can’t get along with our fellow man while the sane man is the one with the furry face and the swinging sack hanging out the back of his pants holding the brown paper bag.

What is it about being a bum that takes away every word in your vocabulary other than shit and fuck …mumblemumbleShitmumblemumbleFuckmumblerumble.

To my knowledge Oscar the grouch still knew how to conjigate a sentence.

As you can see I have the first stages of writers block, I must have vented all I needed too for the time being, it could be time to axe everyone here to death ala the shining.
Ill struggle past this stage im sure, but until then you'll have to go through a few days of drivvel, well its works for the sun and daily mirror.

Australian new citizen entry test

2005-11-09T01:58:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is the Australian governments new citizen entry test, potential new citizens must get at least 80% correct to enter.

Answers below-

1)How low do you have to set your lawn mower blade for it to chuck up a rock and break the kitchen window?

2)How many bangs must the open shed door make at 2 30 am before you get up to close it?

3)How many tree branches can you throw onto the incinerator before the police arrive?

4)Alf Stewarts flamin’ famous penguin top is what colour?

5)True or False- that’s not a knife, this is a knife

6)How many men does it take to stand around the BBQ to cook a snag?

7)How many women does it take to stand around the kitchen making the salad?

8)How much food can go on a paper plate before it collapses in your lap?

9)How many hours test cricket can you watch before you fall asleep on the couch and wake up with a crick in your neck?

10)How many beans must leak out of the bean bag before it becomes the dogs bed?

11)A Torana is travelling at 121 km/h in a northerly direction, a falcon xd station wagon is travelling in a southerly direction at 111 km/h, and a dastun 180b is travelling in an easterly direction at 98 km/h. If they all started at the same point, how long is it before the datsun 180B blows a head gasket?

12)How long to the nearest meter are John Howard’s eyebrows?

13)How tall must a tall poppy grow before the Australian public chop it down?

14)How many dollars worth of chips will feed a family of four?

15)How baggy and stained and holey must a pair of trackies get before you wont even keep them for round the house?

16)How many commodores (not including the one on blocks) can you fit on the front yard of a bogans house?

17)How many punch-ons did Ernie Sigley and Don lane have pissed at the logies?

Answers 1) any setting especially if your mowing bare dirt 2) depends if you can get the wife up first 3) 3 4) Brown 5) it’s a knife 6) 1 man per stubbie 7) 1 woman per can of corn or beetroot or 3 bean mix 8) 1 item 9) 1 session depending on the heat of day 10) 6, one in each room of the house, even where the bean bag hasn’t been 11) right after it blows a hose and pops a tyre 12) 1 13) 3 front pages 14) $3 and 8 potato cakes 15) infinite 16) 11 17) who cares, I just think its funny they had one

British citizen entry test

2005-11-08T07:07:00.000-08:00

In the UK this week it has been revealed that potential new citizens will be made to take a test to see how much they know about British culture before they can enter.
I was lucky enough to come across one of the tests while snooping around in somebody’s dustbin looking for fish skeletons and apple cores. Here are a few of the questions;

Your football team has just lost do you…
A: congratulate your opponents on a game well played
B: smile and take it with dignity
C: help to burn down the stadium and loot the nearest porn shop

As your full train arrives at the station the doors open, do you give your seat to..
A: the old lady carrying 5 bags of shopping
B: the blind lady with the cane and dog
C: none of the above

You’re a 15-year-old girl and you…
A: are doing well in school and participate sports
B: dream of being a ballerina and have slumber parties with girlfriends
C: have 3 kids in a pram, 2 black and 1 white, a boyfriend in jail and a boyfriend whos also your half brother

You walk down the local high St, the 15 shops immediately in front of you are…
A: 15 different boutique and speciality stores ran by locals
B: bright and open, with beautiful clothing and items
C: 13 fried chicken shops, 2 pound savers and 3 men selling burnt dvd’s on the footpath

Last drinks have been called at the pub, do you.
A:collect your stuff and take your pint to the urinal as you pee before you leave
B: leave your half pint and hail a cab to get home
C: scull 5 more pints, throw up, take a piss in the alley and punch up 2 guys who were wearing a Man U shirt

Your cricket team is..
A: a tightly oiled and professional unit
B: a team who commands respect the world over
C: a bunch of girls who got lucky

Its Friday night and your a 15 year old boy, you are..
A: at home with the family
B: staying over at a friends house playing monopoly
C: smoking crack at an estate with 12 others wearing blue tracksuit pants and hoodies

You are an upstanding citizen ,contribute to society and work full time, you are
A: the prime minister
B: the queen
C: an Australian traveller living in the UK

If you answered C to 8 or more of these questions, congratulations, you qualify to be a brit

stand by tomorrow for the aussie vrsion of this test-

fish and chips

2005-11-07T03:28:00.000-08:00

While on the topic of 80s, I got to thinking about the things that I remember about growing up in Australia, and the things I miss the most being in London. Number one is real fish and chips,i dont mean one of these laa dee daa ones with tables and chairs and tartaire, i mean made by the sweaty wog in the powder blue non-breathable shirt with ‘Pavlos’ embroided on the chest. The shop with the 15 year old faded chicko roll poster on the wall with the girl in leather on the motorbike. The spelling mistakes on the menu board complete with the outdated price covered up with paper and glad wrap. The new speciality of the day dangling from the bottom of the menu on a piece of a4 proudly written in texta. The air con machine humming loudly in its precarious home above the front door, the old school coke machine with 3 bottles of 2 ltr coke a bottle of fanta and the rest filled with mussels, pickled onions and shop supplies. The painting on the front window of the big smiling fish, and the man in the chef’s hat twirling his moustache. The old community paper sitting on the wooden waiting bench. You could also sit on the tiled window cil if you were desperate. Remember when you were a kid; it was a good day if the shop man let you get up on the counter to sit and watch, while dad tried to drag you off. The cash register might as well be an abacus, have to push those huge buttons down and watch the metal numbers pop up ching chingg. I always wanted to know what went on in the secret back room, it was an arch cut out of fake wood panelling, hidden away from us mortals by fly strapping. Id like to think it was a portal to the ocean where they get my piece of flake. Ill have a minimum chips and 2 potato cakes please…2 always meant 3, so always ask for one less than you want…and 2 steamed dim dims with soy while I wait. He thrusts that shovel into the lump of heavy squared potato and then goes for another tiny little scoop to add like 3 more chips, that must be the bonus for being loyal. Then all hell brakes loose in that basket as it hits the 15-week-old boiling fat.
Out they come, he gives the salt shaker a few hefty shakes on your chips as he ask’s do you want salt? , Wraps that shit up like a pro with his eyes closed. Did you ever see the new guy try and wrap your chips?..Comes out looking like a Christmas present wrapped by a 10 year old. Then you go home and eat that shit, doing the obligatory throat burn on the first 6-8 chips. Then getting in there and eating all the crunchies first. It sounds mundane, but that’s what I miss most about Australia.

Real t.v

2005-11-05T02:03:00.000-08:00

What ever happened to TV you could set you clock by. I don’t mean what times its on for programming, I mean the late 80s early 90s sitcom. You could set your clock by that shit, it was always 22 minutes into the half hour when the music went soft, the arguing folk came together and had the big heart to heart, everyone smiles and says I’m sorry, I love you, the audience goes awwwww and the wacky guy makes a quip, everyone shakes their heads and the frame pauses to rapturous canned laughter. I loved that because at precisely 22 past the hour or 8 to the hour I could go and get snacks and know all I was missing was pure cheese. What was even worse about said sitcoms was the uncomfortable drama type moment. You knew it was a comedy and the next jape was coming but you had to cringe through the tense drama like scene of the little boy over dosing or the woman dying, it was always written so clumsily by the writers, like a sesame street skit. Of all the shows the worst for cheese was Full House, closely followed by perfect strangers, balky and cousin Larry Appleton were the original odd couple, family ties was in there, diff’rent strokes, family matters, even Alf had its heart strings moments. Poor Alf missed his pals on Malmac, not even a sniff of lucky or neighbouring Mrs Archmonic next door could take his mind off it. Could Willy Tanners glasses have been any bigger? Id take that shit any day over today’s crap, its either a behind the scenes police investigation or reality. That shit aint reality, big chested girls don’t flash their tits and kiss in MY reality. I’m a voyeur at the best of times, I’m not denying it but if I wanted to see reality, id go to an extended family do, Why doesn’t CSI investigate where all the big brothers contests brains went or where this generations TV writers have gone, I think this war in Israel is taking the Jewish minds of what they are supposed to be doing -writing thigh slapping tear wiping antics of the all American family with their retarded half cousin alien son from Puerto rico.

Colonel Sanders

2005-11-04T02:34:00.000-08:00

Ode to the colonel

All hail all hail to the man they call the Colonel
No, not like the corn, the man who made chicken eternal
He was a man in the ol’ south that nobody knew
Til’ he found 12 herbs & spices and the legend quickly grew

Chicken was boring, poultry taste to the palette
Enter Sanders the visionary, he knew how to sell it
Coat it in spice, drown it in fat, put it in a bucket, could even use rat
But that wasn’t all of his masterful plan
Was just the beginning he’s an ideas man

Lets make lots of stores, and bring the quality down
Infact we can breed super chooks that need not make a sound
Why even give them feet and eyes and hips
They destined to end up in a 3 piece box with chips

So the Colonel got rich, and his food got way worse
And our kids got obese, artery fat can’t disperse
Theres no use shutting down he's stores all over town
Whats the other alternative? A big red headed clown

We all get drunk and feel like a feed
That’s when the colonel gets tempting, I know I feel the need
The taste of the skin oooh and the salt on the chips
And the flavourful gravy and the chicken nugget dips

But the Colonel’s now gone to the rocking chair in the sky
Its like old Kentucky cept he can probably fly
Lets try boycott his stores, and save a few chickens
After I eat that shit ,I wont give my fingers a lickin

Ebay and stuff

2005-11-03T05:39:00.000-08:00

E bay has become like a microcosm of society, but moving along at a rate 1 million times faster.

Remember when it all started? Good willed and mannered people selling things they had, usually rare things or things people wanted, memorabilia etc.. It really felt like you were a part of a community. Was like the equivalent of bartering back in the early human days. But the little community that was, was about to change, for ruthless business minded people were to set over e bay like a dark cloud, selling cheap Asian merchandise and fake products, just like in our market places today. In today’s big city, you have to be on your toes at all times, it seems everything and every body is out to get us, rip us off and take us for the fool and it’s the same on E bay. Turds are getting around selling broken stuff, fake stuff, and not even sending it at all. Every now and then you come across a beacon of light, a cool little store ran by a family who care about what you want and talk to you unlike you are a walking money sack. As with E bay you can tell if you are dealing with a person rather than a business. And that’s the big point, big businesses try to act like our friends by advertising to our insecurities and sensitivities on TV and poster boards, telling us we need this and we need that, we don’t NEED anything! All we need is air, and bit of food, works for the other animals. These moneymaking conglomerates have turned us into consuming machines. E bays little trick is easier, instead of pandering to our insecurities, it gets us at our very core. Wanting to win is the original human emotion, who doesn’t want to win? who wants to be beaten? So you end up buying shit you didn’t even want, or paying double as much as you wanted because of the thrill of the chase. I don’t know where this post is going, I’m bored, might go look on EBay.

The anti-christ

2005-11-03T02:18:00.000-08:00

In a moment of weakness on the bus the other week i got coaxed into reading a flyier from one of those god bothering mobs. Im not one to read, but the tasteful picture of jc dangling from the pine caught my eye. Anyhow as i read, the comming of the anti-christ was mentioned. To cut a long story short, and we know its a long story, The anti christ is said to walk among us, it is sombody who is a known philantropist, who gains the trust of the world, and before you know it whammo, he has us in is claws. A line quotes "He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name".
As my mind started to flick through potentials i couldnt go past one name. Bill Gates. It must be! It all ties in, He is a known philanthropist, donating to many charities, and hiring hundreds of thousands of people. Almost every home in the developed world has a windows computer in their homes. So thats his way into all our lives. The internet IS the sign of the beast, everything is being bought and sold there these days which fits in with the prophecy, the sign on our hands and forehead could be our hand on the mouse and our head looking at the moniter, and the sign of the beast on us at all times must be the internet ready mobile phones that we all carry these days. Ol billy, or should be we call him beelzlebub may be sitting in his lair ready to push the button at any time and activate all the worlds computer controlled weapons in one foul swoop.

Then i did some research and found that the Vatican only uses apple computers! Some other random finds included The name Bill Gates iii adds up to 666 in ascii code(american code for information interchange), as do the words windows 95 and MS DOS 6.21. Coincidence?, probably, you can twist facts to prove anything but its worth a thought.

Facial hair

2005-11-03T02:09:00.000-08:00

Facial hair is king. We all know it is a time honored tradition for a fledgling man aged 17 to attempt to grow his first tash and/or goatee. I was one who always dreamed of having enough hair to create which ever design i wanted. I was always inspired by the greats like Chris Cornell, Sir Bob Geldof, Johnny Holmes and others of that ilk. Lets face it its a known fact that the more hair you can grow on your face, the bigger man you are. Men take pride in saying, "look this is only 4 days growth" ask any bloke, he'll tell you, unless hes a whimp who still cant grow a beard. But im here to say, ive had enough, ive reached 27 years and i dont want to shave no more. Ive had a plethora of different designs, from the tickler to the landing strip to the porn moto the chopper, alas it no longer outweighs the pain in the arse that is constant shaving. I would like to be one of those cool 35+ dudes who have the little grey goatee possibly coupled with a flat cap, but that can wait. I somtimes think, fuck it, i wont shave, ill grow a beard instead, until the 3/4 week itch kicks in , not to mention the lack of respect i recieve from the missus. A beard is supposed to make you look nobile and worldy, why wouldnt you want to kiss a noble man! In the end i look at myself in the mirror and i dont know who im looking at. Whos that man with the beard in the mirror i ask. Left side look, right side look, smirk.

There is no hell on earth worse than shaving a 3 week beard. Whiskers end up in places where hair has not been before. In the crack of the tiles, on the water tap...just try get that off, on the mirror, tooth brush, plug, shoulders,bath. Actually while im whining, why cant i ever shave both sideburns the same size and shape, do i have dimented eyes?

Ok before i stop ranting, i beg of you gillette, please invent something new and not just something with an extra blade or non slip handle, get some more boffins in the lab and create a bold new shaving device that a:dosent get clogged with hair after one swipe b:dosent scrape the skin away like a bbq tool and c:dosent cost $19.50 for 3 refills, thank you.

Tom & Katie

2005-11-01T06:03:00.000-08:00

I’ve just had a realisation that every movie Tom Cruise has ever made is the same movie.

Tom is a high flying hot shot
Tom has a crisis of confidence
Tom meets a girl
Tom ends up back on top

Top gun, Days of thunder, Jerry Maguire, A few good men…….You know its true

By the way, were we supposed to buy the fact that the last Samurai wasn’t even an asian??

Anyway Could this now be happening in real life! Tom was a high flying actor, Tom has a crisis of confidence, possibly about his height, Tom meets Katie, Tom ends up on top again.

He’s not in love! He’s just a normal bumbling male who is blinded by a younger females body. What he has secured is second only in male fantasies to getting female double play or twin sisters. The only reason he was jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch was not to announce his love for her, it was his way of telling all the boys down the pub he picked up a younger girl. But of course being a multi millionaire he doesn’t go to the pub…or have friends, so using Oprah’s couch is the next best thing.

I feel sorry for Katie, she has a wonky smile, winges a lot, hasn’t made a movie past C grade yet and is probably one more failure away from a playboy spread. She’s really polished a turd, to bring her career as far as she has.

If she really wants to give her career some cred she needn’t have fallen for Tom, all she needed to do was develop a coke addiction, hit rehab and come out the other side with a sob story all the movie going girlies will lap up, ala Drew Barrymore. ……and do the play boy spread, that’ll get the guys on side.

Ill buy it…for the articles.

Going out

2005-10-31T08:42:00.000-08:00

Why do we even go out? Obviousley we have everything we want at home, tv,food,bed,music,internet. But for some stupid reason, as every Friday looms upon us we get this stupid notion that we can go out, drink beers and have a good time all squished into a room with 500 sweaty strangers and only 25 seats. I know you think that everybody else is having a good time, but they arnt, they are thinking the same thing you are, why am i still here?, i wish i was at home holding the remote. Except for the three 16 years olds on pills in the corner, they arnt thinking at all. Most nights go the same, you walk in all talking about that great night you had once, slide your way through the throng to get to the bar, hoping not to knock the wrong person. While waiting for your turn you catch the eye of a girl, then you turn and catch the angry eye of a guy who thort that he has previousley got the eye of that girl. You stare straight ahead. Finally get a drink, try find the mates again, push through the sweaty crowd, its boiling!, sweating already take of the jacket, find the mates, try to talk but just nod beacuse can't hear anything, if a nod recieves a suprised look, change it to a shake or a shrug. Each time you go to the bar you hand over a note, a drunk brain dosent want to count coins, the pocket gets heavier and heavier, might need 3 egyptians to carry this load home. The mates hit the dance floor, the music is rank, sounds like a 13 year old girls i pod. People seem to be having fun but all i can do is think of a way to get out...dead nanna? no sick? no, theyll tease me.....missus, shit no, even worse, so in the end, have to sneak out, its 3 am sitting at the bus stop, cold, lost my jacket, been waiting for 35 minutes could have walked by now,. theres a junkie over there, a gang looks up to no good, try to hide my wallet in my front pocket, cant fit, theres a gold bullion worth of coins in there. Bus finally arrives, sit there and look around, why am i here? Everyone else is either being sick, kissing, alseep or a junkie. Get home and get a water from the fridge, let the fridge light guide me up the stairs until it closes. Slide into bed, cold shoulder treament, in the shit. Wake up, its morning, i feel fucking rank, AND torched 50£ for the privlage, AND have another 20£ in coins that will get whittled away because its coins AND lost my jacket. ahh well, ill never do that again, until next friday.